Ambulance

This is what happens: I see an ambulance and my day turns bad. Every time I see an ambulance I remember something about Luca. One time an ambulance was at a street crossing and the cars were not moving to the side as the law requires. I was on my way to a CG presentation and already nervous about presenting. I started yelling like crazy "get out of the way you stupid cars" of course no one heard me, I was inside my car...and I was so mad because in an ambulance, every second counts.
Thinking back about my ambulance ride on August 13. it was total horror. The only good thing I remember is the EMT from the fire department who pushed the gurney into the vehicle when I was already on the passenger seat saying "We have a pulse"... I yelled "You have a pulse, you have a pulse, everything will be ok" ... in my mind I was convinced it will all turn out right for us... the vehicle started rolling and the driver asked me how to get out of the neighborhood...really ? He did not have a clue or any urgency to get to the hospital fast?.... at that point I was still sure they will take Luca to Memorial Hospital which his right behind our house... literally... across the street ...yes, I just mapped it and it is exactly 0.82 miles to the Memorial emergency room entrance... so you see why I thought he would be brought over there. But no, I was informed that their protocol requires to bring him to Penrose Hospital... I was not given a reason and there was nothing I could do about it at the time. I just mapped that route and it is exactly 4.18 miles to the Penrose emergency room entrance. Maybe it would have not made a difference but I am just saying, what if every second counted in regards to his brain activity ? We had a red light at Powers and Research, the driver slowed down quite a bit... of course he was not driving fast enough in my mind to begin with. So the driver slowed down and the siren was on and he started honking... NO ONE MOVED ASIDE !!! I was screaming and yelling and it was horrible to see the lack of consideration these people in their cars had.... I was furious, we had to come to a complete stop and then roll around the outside of the cars... along the pullover lane... unbelievable.

So now, whenver I see an ambulance I totally freak and just think.. please cars, move aside, someone could be dying in that ambulance right now... be considerate.
Tonight on the interstate, the ambulance came shooting up the ramp and moved over to the left lane, driving real fast and I pulled over on the right lane, I was I think the only vehicle doing that.
After that, I started going back in time and that is never a good thing... the day it happened, imagining Luca putting up the belt, Luca sticking his head in there, thinking nothing can happen, then all takes a turn for the worse and I imagine what if in his head he was yelling, mom, please help me, where are you mommy mommy ... I imagine him choking, throwing up his oatmeal from breakfast, and the worst thought I have is always  - I WAS NOT THERE TO HELP HIM - my baby was all alone and I was not there to save him, to get him out of that stupid belt, hold him in my arms and say... "boy you are lucky I was here just in time... what were you thinking ? Please don't ever scare me like this again.."
So tonight in the car those were my thoughts and then I started crying uncontrollably, just shaking and wheeping, I failed my son and I was supposed to protect him ALL the time... yes, those are my thoughts and I can not change that, no matter what anyone will say to me. A mother is supposed to protect her children, save them, die for them, do everything she can ..... I did not ....
I am dreading the next time I see an ambulance, it will not be a good day, I just know it....

Way back in August....

I was looking for a file on my computer today and came across the speech I had written for Luca's memorial service, I just started reading it again and it was almost like an out of body experience.. I remember standing up there and saying all these things, almost like I was content with the fact of what had happened. Looking back now, I think I was not all there, I think I was floating in a bubble of overwhelming feelings. I know if I had to do this today, stepping up in front of a crowd and reading this following speech, I would break down and crumble like a cookie... I would not make it to the end of these words, no way...
Still, I think it was a nice speech and although it is just a fraction of my thoughts, I want to let everyone read it, maybe some of you were not even at the celebration, and if you were, you might remember this:

Luca, my Luca

Thanks for the unbelievable support that has come our way during this time, we did not know how many caring people we have in our live and in this community. It is amazing.Thanks for all you did, big and small, it is all very much appreciated.

It is hard to try and figure out what to say if you have to choose just a few of the many memories of a lifetime of your child.

I want to let everyone know how big Luca’s role was that he played in my life.

He was my son, of course, but within the family, he was really the heart and soul

- my backbone -  the person I could rely on.

Had a very special bond with the youngest child, the one who needed the most help… for a long time, he was a the big helper for Niko, and then later on he stepped up to be a great positive influence on Francesca. The role model for the siblings and showing them every day how important it is to make the right decisions. Even in everyday situations, he knew just what to do. For example we would eat dinner and one of the little ones did not like kind of food, of course it would be the healthy stuff, and I would give Luca this certain look “help me with this one“  and we had a lot of silent understandings… like a mind reading kind of thing was going on with us a lot… and he would start eating that particular food .. taking big bites with a lot of emphasize on how yum yum this is so good expressions. -  encouraging the little ones into trying it… even if he himself did not like that food either… that is just how he was !!

Things he did not like were chores, of course, but he would not delay, or refuse, he just did them right away to be done with them and move on with his day, also maybe because he knew he most likely would end up finishing his little siblings chores as well, they were always trying to get out of doing theirs, he would take care of that just to make me happy.

He never, and that is true, never said no to me when I asked him a favor.

Having a big heart was one of his trademarks, but huge determination was another characteristic of Luca. To be successful in Sports and in school. The all As last semester was huge for him. He was so proud of himself!! He wanted to play football this Fall, but our schedule was too full, he was looking forward to wrestling in the winter and track in the spring, he always wanted to say yes to every sport out there

He took challenges in trying new things, trying new sports, and if he challenged himself he always wanted to do the best he could when he did it. His dream of being a pro soccer player in Europe was very firm for him, he used to say”mom you need to start thinking about what car you want because I will buy you a car as soon as I make the big bucks playing soccer in Europe"… that was so sweet.

When he got his soccer ref certification this past Spring, he was so nervous doing that job, standing on the soccer field and making those decisions, but he did it and he learned how awesome it is to earn your own money at 12….I was so proud of him…

Compassion and good spirit - that was also a part of him and he would seek out people who were facing challenges themselves, just to assist them. In 5. Grade there was a boy with no friends, and Luca told me he made sure to say hi to him every day and even sometimes sit by him at lunch because no one else would.

The kid that was teased in the locker room at sports, Luca stood by his side even though he took the risk of being made fun of as well. He would cheer in swimming for kids if no one else was there for them at the edge of the pool, his thoughtfulness is one of a kind !!

I was so proud of all this, but I also took him for granted a lot, now, looking back, I know I need to thank him from now on every day for making such a difference and being so special in my life. I want to hug him for that, if I could…

Like a friend wrote in a note to me – he was the one and only LUCA !!!

Moving forward, and I know tomorrow will be harder than today… when all the craziness and attention will go away and people move on with their everyday life,  I know that I won’t have the everyday life as I had it but trying to think of something my sister in law gave me in a book.

The caterpillar builds a cocoon and inside of this cocoon the caterpillars entire structure is taken apart and cell by cell, bit by bit reconstructed into a completely different and new structure.

The butterfly, now a totally new being, comes out of the cocoon, and although through this process should not remember anything, he returns to the place where the cocoon is hanging and reflects on his former life as a caterpillar.

The death of Luca to me is just like that.

He morphed from his being that we all know and love into a completely different being, was reconstructed and is now near me …remembering the great things that happened to him during his life with all of us.

Although he is completely reconstructed, his being, his soul and spirit is still the same. And he is close to me… and will be ....always.

 People who know me well probably know that I always wear a necklace with all my kids on it, but not today – my sister in law gave me this necklace as a symbol matching the story of the butterfly.. this is a heart and a butterfly is sitting on it… Luca and me !!

 

I want to quote Goethe, a German Poet –

What you posses deep in your heart

Won’t be lost through Death.

Luca I love you !!!

Thanks for coming tonight !!

6 months today and Valentines pain

I can not really believe that my boy is not with us anymore and it has been 6 months, half a year that he has not been with us anymore.
I am afraid of time passing, I wanted time to stop last August, so all stays fresh on my mind, the way his soft hand felt in mine, the way I felt his beautiful fine curly hair between my fingers, the way his eyelashes curved, I was looking at his closed eyes in the hospital for so long, waiting for a flicker, and once in a while I would lift his eye lids to see those light brown greenish eyes, they were just staring straight up into the ceiling. I wanted him to look at me, turn his eyes and form that great smile that always made me smile right with him. "Hey Mom:".. like he said every morning in passing.
He would go down stairs and make that oatmeal he liked, gather his school stuff and then get his teeth brushed. I would give suggestions on what to wear (warm, cold, matching clothes - yes I am a bit controlling..), while trying to get the siblings going.
He would gripe over getting late to school because they were so slow, and I usually got him there just in the nick of time, or a few minutes late. He hated to be late, he would get so mad and told me it was all my fault...I felt bad but contributed that situation to the fact that we have 4 kids... and told myself that is the best I can do... was not really the best I can do, I think I could have done better and gotten him to school on time more often....
After school a lot of times Adrienne would pick him up, he enjoyed hanging with the big sister, even if it was just for a ride home from school. Walking in the door, he would start homework right away, have a snack and just get all the stuff done for school without anyone even asking him. I think he started that when he went to 4th grade in School in the Woods, they had a lot of writing assignments and he found out if he was procrastinating, it never got done on time. We usually had to rush and either get ready for soccer or swimming. He never said "I don't want to go to practice" it was just a routine and he liked to get out there to train, I know that.
One of his favorite foods were egg sandwiches, he would chow down 2 at a time, just as a snack. Yes, 2 sandwich slices on top of each other, with mustard (only him and I loved that mustard) fried egg, meat and melted cheese, then the same double decker again... you would think he would have been a bigger kid the way he ate. I miss having him at the dinner table he was such a great eater, and so appreciative of the food I made. I don't enjoy cooking much anymore... that desire and passion has left my system, just like so many other passions I used to have.
Sometimes I would watch one of those independent movies at night, on a weekend, and he would hang out with me, it was the best time.... no one else was interested, they thought I had weird taste but Luca was open for the weird taste and we would enjoy that time together. One time I watched this movie "My name is Khan" from the library, and he joined me. The movie is about a Muslim from India with Asperger Syndrom and his journey in America. The movie is very sad and very long, and Luca and I cried together from about the middle of it until the very end. He was as involved in the story as I was and it was a good evening for us together. I will never forget this, this and all the small bonding moments we had, traveling for soccer, spending time in hotels for swim meets, just the two of us, I know he had a good time when he was the "only kid" for a little while. He loved his siblings but one on one time is important too. Yes, I want time to stop and remember every little moment in the past with him, now, 6 months later, all is fading and I have the worst fear in the world - forgetting the little details of him and his life._____________________

I found myself in a tree, crying on Valentines day....I had a total mental breakdown. During some down time in the afternoon, I decided it would be nice to send some Valentines greetings to Luca with balloons. I ran to the store to buy some and we (Adrienne, Niko, Francesca and I) wrote little note cards to tie on to the balloons. From the store going home the first balloon already popped in the car... I was angry. With only 2 balloons left, we tied the cards to them and let go of them in the back yard, only to watch them get stuck in the group of trees in the back of our yard. I was getting angrier. Now I had to try to get them out of the tree... not a tree I can climb, it was skinny and tall... I climbed on our only ladder, an old wooden thing, took the big broom from the garage and tried to fish for the balloons. No luck..now I was boiling mad. I lost my balance several times and although it was scary to think I can fall and break something, I did not care.. my adrenaline was kicking in..... then I climbed on the back wall of the yard and tried from there ... meanwhile the strong wind wrapped the strings around the tree more and more... I was not going to give up... "just get more balloons from the store" Adrienne called over to me...
I now was in tears "no, these valentine cards for Luca are not going to stay in this tree.." I yelled and cried by that time uncontrollably, just sobbing and pulling on those branches... I was determined to get those balloons out of the tree... I cried over that situation, but not really... I cried about everything... why was I in this tree? Why not give him cards into his hands? Why did we send balloons in the air when he should be here with us in the first place? Why was life so horrible to us? Why was my son dead?
I finally just broke off all the branches that held the balloons, one more balloon popped and I pulled the cards out... went back to the store, got more balloons and we finally released them in the field nearby...what a frustrating afternoon....
I realize more and more how my passion for life is just gone... nothing can excite or engage me anymore...I can pretend to have an interest, just for the kids, they are all that keeps me going... and sadly, my main focus for them is to remember their brother, it is like I want to talk about nothing and no one else, because I am so afraid they forget about him. Did they really want to send Valentines to him on the 14. ? Maybe not, I know in the past they did not give Valentines to each other ..... now they are writing him notes, maybe because I kind of force them to ? I am not sure how unhealthy or healthy this is for the kids, will they think he is the only child I have who matters ? I am not sure, I know I have to be careful not to show my obsession with Luca to them too much... it is hard to find a balance when only one person sits on the teeter-toter......

Pain and Categories

Time is going by fast, and yet, it has stopped since August 13. for me.
Everyone around me moves on with their lives, their kids, their daily
tasks, and I feel that I am walking in place, like going the wrong way on an escalator. I step and step but feel I am not going anywhere.
As I move through my days, some are busier than others and my mind is full of planning, focusing on what is going on that day and the next, and I catch myself being 'too busy to be sad".
Then..boom... here comes the realization all of a sudden out of nowhere.. and it literally is gut wrenching... like someone is wringing out my heart and stomach... physically painful.
Luca is gone, he is wiped of the face of the earth and I will never see him again.
That is reality and it is every time I think that thought evenly unbelievable for me.
I still don't understand what is going on here, can this really be true ?
My mind just can not wrap itself around this.
Yesterday I drove down the street in our neighborhood on my way home. And believe it or not, I looked at our front door when I drove up and it looked like someone was standing there... oh my gosh it is Luca.... that is what I thought... am I going crazy ? It was just one of our chairs on the front porch that was sitting a bit sideways.... then I feel like I am standing right next to myself, looking at me and going - really ? Do you still not get it ?
It is hard to say what time will change inside of me... but as I said, it has stopped and everyone, even my own kids are moving on, at least on the outside. They are growing out of their clothes and shoes, their hair is changing, they are getting better at their sports, all the things that time does to people. I just feel the same since August 13.
I wonder if I need to meet with other people who have lost children, to see if they feel just like me, but here we go right into my next topic... categories....

I have become a member of different categories that I never wanted to belong to.

• I am a person who lost a loved one
• I am a mother who lost a child
• I am a mother who lost a child to TCG - there is even a facebook group for that one.
• I am taking my children to a kids grief group, where other children have lost a loved one, and the parents sit together and talk about how to best support these children.
• I am going to grief therapy once per week.
• I am one of the people who step into a social setting and others say.. "she lost her son last year" and people go "that is so sad" - I can not hear that but I can feel the looks of pity and compassion on me, and then I want to leave that situation.
• I am now in the category of people who take anti-depressants to get out of bed in the morning. - I only knew these people from commercials until now
• I am in the category of people who go on a crusade for a cause, because of something that happened to them in their lives
• I am in the category of people who have a website, to warn others of a terrible thing, because I have experienced it
• I became a speaker - that is something I never thought would happen 
• I am in the category of people who are well taken care of by others because of special circumstances.

People don't really get mad at me anymore when I screw up, it is like I have this "get out of jail" card now.

I am not sure if that helps but it is a smooth sailing for me - on the outside...

It is nice that everyone is so nice to me, but I would also like to have true friends and people who are genuine about their interest in me, not feeling that they have the duty to take care of me, like a sick elderly person...

How do I know who really likes me for me and not just feels the call to help because of what happened to me ?

But again, like I said in a previous post, I am thankful for the friendships, the people who take care of me, the love and compassion that is coming to us from all directions, so please don't get me wrong, I am not complaining, I just wish there was no reason to do all this for us in the first place.

How are you doing ?

So, when I first moved here from Germany, it was very strange for me to hear from everyone I saw "how are you doing today?". Anyone from the customer service at the store, to the person taking my order at the fast food place. Even just people you run into when you walk down the street, they would say "Hi" and
I was baffled, wondering "do I know you" ? I was thinking, why is everyone saying Hi to me ? It took a long time for me to realize that is just the way it is in this country. In Germany you actually only say Hello to people you know. And asking how they are doing is part of a conversation, when you REALLY want to know how someone you already know is doing.
I really doubt that the person at the drive through, handing me my drink is really interested in how I am doing. After a while I did realize that I don't have to respond the way I initially thought... with a full report of how I AM doing...just say fine, ok, or good, and that is how it is.

 I learned also that there is a difference between a real conversation with a person who you know asking "how are you doing?" and the meaningless phrase asking the same question.

Since last August, this question has become a whole different meaning. This question is now a burden I wake up with every day. In the beginning I was wondering what to respond with, and some days I would just tell myself to answer the same way to everyone and switch it up every day.  On occasion I would even dodge people in the store just to avoid this dreadful moment. But I will never say "fine" just to get people off my back. I can not lie about this, I will never feel "fine" again. Henry says it to people all the time, I think because he grew up with the meaningless phrase and grew up with the meaningless answers to that question, he does not even think twice about his answer.
Me on the other hand, I can not just throw out any kind of response, because I know that about 80% of the people who ask me daily know what happened and they are NOW paying much more attention to my response than before Luca died. They really want to hear something positive coming from me, just so they can think "oh good, she is doing better"... but I can not do people that favor, just to make them feel better, I have to stick to the truth. Often I say "I am sad" or I say "not good" and that makes others uncomfortable, sometimes I just say nothing and look at the person until they say "oh I don't even know why I just asked you that" or they will say " oh gosh what a stupid question".
I just really really wish no one would ask me AT ALL anymore but it almost seems like people can not help themselves, they blurt it out right after the Hi, Hello or good morning, like it has to be part of the greeting.... I just crinch when I hear it and sometimes I want to yell out "HOW DO YOU THINK I AM DOING? MY CHILD DIED AND I AM MISERABLE" ...
My therapist suggested to wear a sign on my chest that says " Don't ask me how I am doing" ... that was almost funny if it was not so sad.
Maybe I should be more considerate and just go with the flow like Henry to make people feel better, but I just think, why should I ? Like a previous blog stated, I am past the time when I am concerned about others more than myself ... like the way I want to surround myself with people who are good for me.... I don't think I have to please others if I have to lie about how my heart feels every day, should I ??
Anyways, if you read this, maybe you can come up with something else to say to me when we meet again...maybe you can step out of the box a little bit, the box with the rule " Always say Hi and ask how are you doing when you see someone you know"
Just say HI to me and nothing else, that would be PERFECT !!!
Thanks !!!

Religion

I grew up with a very catholic father. He came from a small village in the Netherlands where people go to church mostly twice per week, everyone is catholic. From little on, he took me to church on Sundays, I went with him and sat there for 90 minutes, not really knowing what was going on, I did not understand most of it, just followed the instructions and it became automatic over the years. Stand up, pray, sing, sit, listen, sing, pray, and so on. First Communion, confessions ( which scared me so bad and I was glad I had another catholic girl by my side, my best friend who always came with me), catholic kids group, catholic preschool. I remember I just made up things at confession, I think I was too young to understand what confession is supposed to do to your soul, I just felt I had to say something that I did wrong so the priest could forgive me, I would say the prayers he told me to say and I could go on with my day.
I was 10 when my parents divorced and the church visits stopped altogether. Sundays became fun days, when my father, on his Sunday visits with me, just did fun stuff, he became the cool dad, lunches, road trips, horseback riding... anything I wished for, but not church. I am not sure if that was a relief for me or if I missed it, I don't remember.
When my father died in a car accident when I was 12, my mind was made up.... there was no God. In my mind there was no way that a man who was so close to God ( basically the only person close to me who cared about God), who prayed and went to church and followed all the "rules", could have died in this horrible accident and God just let that happen... no way, there was no God. My dad was taken from me and all this believing, the hard work and the time and the effort he put into God was rewarded with this ??
I turned my back to religion and made sure that everyone around me knew about this. The people who surrounded me in Germany as a teenager and young adult were not religious, the topic did not come up much anymore.
When we moved to Colorado Springs, I was faced with the topic of religion again. Many people around me are close to God, they are believers, they go to church, it is part of their life. Over the past 19 years I have not met a lot of people who are not at all connected to a church. The few people who admitted to me that they are not religious and that they don't go to church made me feel comfortable. I did not have to hide and pretend, because honestly I get looked at differently for not going to church. I always wanted my friends to like me for who I am but some people have certain standards on how they pick their friends, so I tried not to bring the topic up just to fit in. Between Henry and I, religion came up sometimes. He is a true believer but never forced anything on me.
I used to say "oh well, I guess I am just going to go to Hell then, because if there is a decision to be made, I surely have not been a good enough person to go to heaven".

....A lot has changed now. My mind constantly goes to the question "where is Luca now ?", "will I ever see him again?", "do I have to be a believer to see him again?".
I feel that the pressure for me is on. I feel like I have to make a decision because of what happened. I feel that maybe I HAVE TO BELIEVE so I can be with my boy again someday.  But really, does anybody really know where Luca is? I am so afraid I will do the wrong thing, do I start going to church ? Should I start reading the bible ? Wouldn't that be fake, a pretend belief ? How can I just turn around and accept that there is a god ? Luca's death gives me an even bigger reason to say " Heck no, there is no way there is a God, he would not have taken Luca, he would not have let Luca do this and just watch, he would have saved him in the hospital, with 100s of people praying, no, there is no God because that would be a cruel God !"
BUT, about a week ago, a brand new thought crossed my mind, and it was a horrible thought: Did God punish me for not believing, for not living life by his rules by taking my boy away from me ?
Did he think " I show her what happens to non-believers ...."
This thought makes my heart hurt and turns my stomach. Could I be responsible for the death of my own
child ? Why did I not realize I have to be a good person so my family stays safe ? Did I not know the true power God has to give life and take life away ?
I don't know enough about religion and the bible to know what is being said in all the books that are out there.
But I have heard the saying a lot in the past "God gives life and he takes life"...was his eye on me all this time and he needed to do this to show his power? That can not be the kind God, the great God, the God all these people look up to and believe in? That would be a high price to pay for me to realize the power of God. Take a life ? Take MY SON'S LIFE to punish me for living a life full of sins ? 

I know that I feel very confused and want to do the right thing now, although, in reality, it is actually too late to do the right thing now, nothing will bring Luca back and all I can do now is prepare for the time I will see him again. I REALLY hope we come together again someday, no matter where he is right now, that is all I live for and all I can think about. Heaven or Eternity, Afterlife, Nirvana, or just a Star in the sky, my goal is to find Luca when my time comes !!!

Friendship

Today I watched a movie and in the movie the topic of friendship came up. The main character said how important friendship is and how much more valuable it is than anything you ever want in life.
I started thinking about that and realized how right that man in the movie was. I now value my friendships more than ever before.
In the past, friends were people you just have around you, from all different walks of life, past, present, through school, sports, mostly through their kids people make friends and lots of aquaintances too. When I was younger I was glad to have friends being in a foreign country and having to leave all my friends so far in Germany. Over the years I realized that sometimes these friendships could be hard work. There were arguments, "he said she said" kind of situations and sometimes I found that some friends were not such good friends for me anymore. Having kids and having friends with no kids changed a lot of perspectives. Then there were certain friends for certain things. Some friends were good shopping friends, some were good playground friends, some you met only on the sideline of sports, there were friends you met at work, and others you could talk on the phone with for hours. Friends were just like icing on the cake. The cake was my family and the friends were a nice fluffy sweet extra. Not really needed but not bad to have.
Getting older, I felt it was important to surround myself with friends who make me feel happy, no downers, complainers or people who only want to unload their problems with me. It was hard to distance myself from people who I felt I had not much in common with anymore, because I did not want to hurt anyone's feelings.
NOW, all is so different. NOW I totally understand the REAL value of a friend the man in the movie was talking about. When I used to have all these goals in my life of wanting to have a nicer car, a bigger house and a job that earns me more money, I did not pay enough attention to REAL friendship. It was just part of my life, they were just there.
NOW, I don't want the nicer car, the bigger house or the better job anymore, none of that matters, none of that counts in my life anymore... who cares what care I drive and how big my house is ? If my hair looks great today or weird ??
 What really matters are the friends I have and without those friends I could not get through my days of darkness. I could not step out from under the huge big black blanket of sadness everyday, I would just stay under it and hide and cry.
The friends that I have are next to my family the most important people in my life. I can be myself, I can cry and talk,  and so many of them have open ears and understand my pain, my struggle. The people who tell me that it feels to them almost like they lost their own child are the people I can lean on. The people who encourage me to speak about my son and all the sadness in my heart are the people who help me get up every day and face what is in front of me. The people who know it will never change, the hole in my heart will never close, who don't say "enough already, get over it" those friends make my time here bearable.
Friends are NOW really needed, they are not the fluffy frosting anymore, they are like the daily bread I need to survive.
Thank you ALL my friends for being as awesome and incredible as you are. I truly appreciate each and everyone of you.