This is what happens: I see an ambulance and my day turns bad. Every time I see an ambulance I remember something about Luca. One time an ambulance was at a street crossing and the cars were not moving to the side as the law requires. I was on my way to a CG presentation and already nervous about presenting. I started yelling like crazy "get out of the way you stupid cars" of course no one heard me, I was inside my car...and I was so mad because in an ambulance, every second counts.
Thinking back about my ambulance ride on August 13. it was total horror. The only good thing I remember is the EMT from the fire department who pushed the gurney into the vehicle when I was already on the passenger seat saying "We have a pulse"... I yelled "You have a pulse, you have a pulse, everything will be ok" ... in my mind I was convinced it will all turn out right for us... the vehicle started rolling and the driver asked me how to get out of the neighborhood...really ? He did not have a clue or any urgency to get to the hospital fast?.... at that point I was still sure they will take Luca to Memorial Hospital which his right behind our house... literally... across the street ...yes, I just mapped it and it is exactly 0.82 miles to the Memorial emergency room entrance... so you see why I thought he would be brought over there. But no, I was informed that their protocol requires to bring him to Penrose Hospital... I was not given a reason and there was nothing I could do about it at the time. I just mapped that route and it is exactly 4.18 miles to the Penrose emergency room entrance. Maybe it would have not made a difference but I am just saying, what if every second counted in regards to his brain activity ? We had a red light at Powers and Research, the driver slowed down quite a bit... of course he was not driving fast enough in my mind to begin with. So the driver slowed down and the siren was on and he started honking... NO ONE MOVED ASIDE !!! I was screaming and yelling and it was horrible to see the lack of consideration these people in their cars had.... I was furious, we had to come to a complete stop and then roll around the outside of the cars... along the pullover lane... unbelievable.
So now, whenver I see an ambulance I totally freak and just think.. please cars, move aside, someone could be dying in that ambulance right now... be considerate.
Tonight on the interstate, the ambulance came shooting up the ramp and moved over to the left lane, driving real fast and I pulled over on the right lane, I was I think the only vehicle doing that.
After that, I started going back in time and that is never a good thing... the day it happened, imagining Luca putting up the belt, Luca sticking his head in there, thinking nothing can happen, then all takes a turn for the worse and I imagine what if in his head he was yelling, mom, please help me, where are you mommy mommy ... I imagine him choking, throwing up his oatmeal from breakfast, and the worst thought I have is always - I WAS NOT THERE TO HELP HIM - my baby was all alone and I was not there to save him, to get him out of that stupid belt, hold him in my arms and say... "boy you are lucky I was here just in time... what were you thinking ? Please don't ever scare me like this again.."
So tonight in the car those were my thoughts and then I started crying uncontrollably, just shaking and wheeping, I failed my son and I was supposed to protect him ALL the time... yes, those are my thoughts and I can not change that, no matter what anyone will say to me. A mother is supposed to protect her children, save them, die for them, do everything she can ..... I did not ....
I am dreading the next time I see an ambulance, it will not be a good day, I just know it....
Thinking back about my ambulance ride on August 13. it was total horror. The only good thing I remember is the EMT from the fire department who pushed the gurney into the vehicle when I was already on the passenger seat saying "We have a pulse"... I yelled "You have a pulse, you have a pulse, everything will be ok" ... in my mind I was convinced it will all turn out right for us... the vehicle started rolling and the driver asked me how to get out of the neighborhood...really ? He did not have a clue or any urgency to get to the hospital fast?.... at that point I was still sure they will take Luca to Memorial Hospital which his right behind our house... literally... across the street ...yes, I just mapped it and it is exactly 0.82 miles to the Memorial emergency room entrance... so you see why I thought he would be brought over there. But no, I was informed that their protocol requires to bring him to Penrose Hospital... I was not given a reason and there was nothing I could do about it at the time. I just mapped that route and it is exactly 4.18 miles to the Penrose emergency room entrance. Maybe it would have not made a difference but I am just saying, what if every second counted in regards to his brain activity ? We had a red light at Powers and Research, the driver slowed down quite a bit... of course he was not driving fast enough in my mind to begin with. So the driver slowed down and the siren was on and he started honking... NO ONE MOVED ASIDE !!! I was screaming and yelling and it was horrible to see the lack of consideration these people in their cars had.... I was furious, we had to come to a complete stop and then roll around the outside of the cars... along the pullover lane... unbelievable.
So now, whenver I see an ambulance I totally freak and just think.. please cars, move aside, someone could be dying in that ambulance right now... be considerate.
Tonight on the interstate, the ambulance came shooting up the ramp and moved over to the left lane, driving real fast and I pulled over on the right lane, I was I think the only vehicle doing that.
After that, I started going back in time and that is never a good thing... the day it happened, imagining Luca putting up the belt, Luca sticking his head in there, thinking nothing can happen, then all takes a turn for the worse and I imagine what if in his head he was yelling, mom, please help me, where are you mommy mommy ... I imagine him choking, throwing up his oatmeal from breakfast, and the worst thought I have is always - I WAS NOT THERE TO HELP HIM - my baby was all alone and I was not there to save him, to get him out of that stupid belt, hold him in my arms and say... "boy you are lucky I was here just in time... what were you thinking ? Please don't ever scare me like this again.."
So tonight in the car those were my thoughts and then I started crying uncontrollably, just shaking and wheeping, I failed my son and I was supposed to protect him ALL the time... yes, those are my thoughts and I can not change that, no matter what anyone will say to me. A mother is supposed to protect her children, save them, die for them, do everything she can ..... I did not ....
I am dreading the next time I see an ambulance, it will not be a good day, I just know it....
