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Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Anger, Sadness and bizarre facts

Wow, it has been a very long time since I wrote anything in this blog.
Today I am angry. I am often angry. The fact that my son is not with us makes me angry. That we have to go through yet another Christmas, the fifth Christmas WITHOUT HIM. Every day I am just a little angry, thinking about all the things he is missing. He can't be at home studying for finals right now, he can't see the end of his junior year in high school, he can't be on a picture, proud with his drivers license in his hand after a long wait at the DMV, he can't travel to out of State tournaments with his soccer team and experience the joy of sportsmanship, wins, losses and being on the road with a team, without his parents. There are no photos of him achieving personal best times in swimming, or scoring baskets in basketball. No proud mom moments to brag about when he brings home good grades. I have no FB posts of him making funny faces or playing in the snow. We are on summer vacation at the beach without him, he won't be captured on my phone while he is splashing in the waves with a great tan.... yes I am angry because we are all missing out on this, but most of all he is missing out on life.
The bizzare facts that I am faced with every day are the facts that I never thought would become facts. Domyniko is now taller than Gian-Luc was ever able to be. His shoe size, clothing and everything about him is bigger than Gian-Luc ever was. He is one grade above Gian-Luc, how is that even possible ??
This is just a short post, because I am already worn out from just writing all this and I need to get on with my day. Putting on a face and trying to be kind to my kids, which is not always easy because of my grumpy mood. I should be a nice and grateful mom, because I still have them and yes, they are my life and I will do anything for them, but unfortunately more often than not, my patience is not great and my mood is not either. I hope some day they will read this and try to understand why I am not the most cheerful person that I should be.
Happy Holidays to all of you and have a joyful and peaceful time with people you love 

Monday, September 16, 2013


It has been a while that I wrote, I really was never in the mood to write anything,  but today I feel like sharing. I found a "poem" a mom wrote after her son died in a drowning accident and many of her feelings put into words really hit home for me, I want to share but modify this a little bit, I took a few things out and added some other personal feeling to this. So I am copying this a little bit, but not totally, I hope this is not unethical but I am thanking this mom to have a perfect way of putting our feelings into words....
What is Normal after your child dies?

Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life.
Normal is having the TV on the minute you walk into the house to have noise, because the silence is deafening.

Normal is staring at every boy who looks like he is Gian-Luc's age. And then thinking of the age he'd would be now. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.

Normal is every happy event in your life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in your heart.

Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of your "normal."

Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and their birthdays and survive these days. And trying to find the balloon or cake or invitation that fit's the occasion. Happy Birthday? Not really.

Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special, a show, an event or even a good song that I know Gian-Luc would love. Thinking how he would love it, but how he is not here to enjoy it.

Normal is having some people afraid to mention my son.
Normal is making sure that others remember him by constantly mentioning his name in conversations because he is on my mind so much and I want him to be on other people's mind as well, but at the same time I feel how others get uncomfortable when I mention his name.

Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.
Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why didn't I's go through your head constantly.

Normal is reliving the accident continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away, but also reliving the time in the hospital, when you last touched and held this precious child, kissed his cheek and rubbed his feet.
Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse, not better.

Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. Nothing compares.
Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn't compare.

Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.

Normal is starting to cry when you hear ambulance sirens, and trying to hold it together when having to pass by the two hospitals frequently that hold horrible memories....

Normal is realizing you do cry everyday. 
Normal is being in awe of the way his friends have grown into young men and young women, and looking at them like they can help re-live his life, trying to hold on to what is left of the past and feeling glad to see their big smiles, but at the same time feeling so sad he is not standing in the circle of all these friends where he belongs.

Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone in your family because they sometimes just don't seem to understand how hard it is to get up every morning and put on a "face".
Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with chat buddies who have also lost a child. 
Normal is craving the time to sit on the computer often and just stare at all the pictures of your child, from baby to last one taken, and asking all friends to please please send any picture they can find that has your child in it.
Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God: "God may have done this because…" or the always popular comment "everything happens for a reason" ... really ?

Hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why a fantastic young man was taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.
Normal is being overcome by the physical pain from missing your child so much that your heart litterally cramps up together with your gutt, missing the voice, the touch, the hug and the smile of him.
Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did the laundry or if there is any food. Trying to fix dinner every night is a never ending chore and the joy of cooking dinner for the family is gone... because someone who enjoyed my food so much is not at our dinner table anymore.
Normal is not insisting for the family to sit at the dinner table like we used to, normal is now that everyone just eats anywhere because we just don't want to sit at the table being reminded that our son and brother is not here with us.

Normal is the short pause I make before I answer the question "How many kids do you have?" before I still answer 4 so I don't betray my boy ... and hope there are no further questions, because asking for the age is becoming so awkward with one child whose age never changes. Do I have to explain?
Normal is to still have all his clothes in his closet, exactly the way he left them and going in there and smelling his clothes and sitting down to cry in the dark.

Normal is wishing every day I could switch with my boy and go where Gian-Luc is and he could come back to earth and live his life like he should, I so gladly would !!

Normal is knowing you will never get over this loss, not in a day nor a million years.

Normal is switching therapists several times because each of them speaks of the grief process like there is an end to it and it will come soon, when I know so well that this is not true. Feeling misunderstood because they all say it is going to get better - "time heals"?
Normal is being at all the places he was before -playgrounds, pools, soccer fields, schools and seeing him right there in your mind, swimming, laughing, playing sports, walking down the hallways, and you want to smile at the memories but you get so depressed instead because you know he will never be at these places again.
Normal is knowing life as it was is over forever and only bringing your child back from the dead could possibly make it "better."
Normal is living by a new calendar "before his death" and "after his death" are now the way we describe the past. Trying to find out details from his siblings about past events "did he know this song?" "was he still with us when we watched this movie?".
Normal is having panic attacks over lost memories, not being able to figure out small details of the past and feeling helpless while forgetting so many events from the past... memory loss sucks !!
Normal is vowing to never move out of this house, because this house is where he grew up and was close to you, and this house is where his spirit still exists.

Normal is hoping that people you run into at work or at the store WON'T ask you "how are you doing?" because you just don't want to lie to them but rather tell them the truth that you still feel empty and it's probably never going to get any better -- ever, but knowing at the same time how uncomfortable you make them feel.

And last of all...

Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal."

Saturday, January 26, 2013

Birthday Preparations, in 3 days is Luca's birthday, 14 years old, unbelievable. How would he look now? I am sure as beautiful as always. I am still so numb and I don't think that will every change,  still speechless looking at his photos. His face as cute as can be, the big heart of his is also in his face, a true and genuine happy smile, just a happy boy.
 I have some of his friends as friends on facebook, and I look at their posts, the relationships they have, boyfriend, girlfriend, the whole nine yards of dating, the groups that are meeting to hang out, the parties and get togethers they are having. He was a popular kid and he would have been part of them always. Making faces into the camera... posting his own stuff on FB, I wonder what he would write... Truth is....that is something the kids do and they tell each other stuff they might not say face to face... it is interesting... or the video clips of dancing, singing or just talking.... kids are outspoken on facebook.... he would do the same I am sure.
Would he have a girlfriend ?
How tall would he be?
I am sure for his 14. Birthday he would have asked for something electronic, or maybe some special shoes? Maybe a trip to Germany? Would he still be a fast swimmer, or even still be swimming? Would he still play soccer? I am pretty sure, he loved soccer.....
We are meeting at the soccer complex again this year, for cake and balloons and chinese lanterns... this year we want to see if people want to play some soccer, I do.... might be fun...we are also dedicating the bench, his memorial bench, it has taken a long time to get that finished, a very unique piece I have to say, it is beautiful and I hope it will hold up for a long long time. I  know this coming Fall Niko will play at the complex because of his age, so I will be out there more frequently, I was happy so far I did not have to be out there at all, those memories of Luca practicing and playing at the complex, they were just too much for me and too sad. Now I will have to be there no matter what, but I will sit on his awesome bench and just talk to him, trying to remember the good days....
Luca is with me, I realized that every time I think of him and picture him by me, he actually is, in my heart and in my mind, with me wherever I go. The fact that his face pops into my brain is just meaning that he is actually there, he puts himself into my mind.  I know now that our journey on earth is really a very short one. It won't be long at all until I am with him again and we will be able to spend a long time together, somewhere, just together.
I know now that my pain over his death is so very very deep, because his love for me and my love for him was so deep, so different so strong. He loved me with all his heart, unconditionally, with no doubt or hesitation. I know that others around me don't have all that, ALL that love for me, they love me but that special connection of the soul is just not there. We have that him and I, and that will never change. I felt validated by him, I knew that he knew that I would do anything for him, that I always only wanted the best for him, only wanted him happy, just like my other kids, but he looked beneath the rules, the strict parenting, he could see the deeper purpose of all the things I did to raise the kids right, my other kids mostly only think I am a strict and controling parent....Gian-Luc made me feel valuable, accepted, important, and now I don't have that anymore.... I think my happiness depended very much on him, he helped me feel good about myself, and I am missing that so much right now...
Moving through my days, just getting day after day over and looking forward every night to just crawl into bed, hoping for a dream about him, that is how my days are... one day at a time hoping to rush through my life fast, get old and then comes the best part.
I picture myself on my death bed, with a big smile on my face, looking forward to close my eyes to see him again... excited.... my other kids around me, all sad but understanding, they have had me for a very long time, I have seen them grow up and become adults, building up their own life, living their life and moving on.... then it is my time to go, and I really can not wait, but I have to. So patience right now... Geduld .....

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Just on the other side

Another Lucastrong day, month 13, and still I look at his picture bewildered and aching.
I am watching "Long Island Medium" like an addict, the show is so comforting for me. I have asked for an appointment 3 times in the past year and I am being told that I am on the waiting list. I would probably travel across the world to get a reading, to have my confirmation that Luca is just on the other side, behind a wall and always with me to see and hear me. I have not physically felt him but my gutts tell me that he is near.
I know he helps us when he can, energy, good thoughts and such come from him going into us. The kids sports are going so well, and I am having good results with my sports as well. When I am having a bad day I can think of him and try to see what he would say to me, it helps a lot.

I am glad Adrienne is posting some stuff on Facebook, I am always afraid she is so numb and hurting only on the inside, but posting for her is very therapeutic I believe, just like it is for me. Just the other day, she posted this beautiful poem
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away to the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other,
That, we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name.
Speak to me in the easy way
which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.

Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed
at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me. Pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word
that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effect.
Without the trace of a shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same that it ever was.
There is absolute unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind
because I am out of sight?

I am but waiting for you.
For an interval.
Somewhere. Very near.
Just around the corner.
I read it a lot and it reminds me that eventually we will be together again and that we are still very close and I need to be there for everyone else. The little kids should read it too and I am hoping they will someday start their journal, I bought them each one. I don't want them to feel forced and make it like homework, I would much rather have them feel like wanting to write, but they might be too young.
Henry has changed, he is now able to look at photos more often, and sometimes we talk about Luca and he does not shut down. We are ships in a storm, trying to stay afloat, not moving forward but just trying to stay afloat. That is a lot already.
People are still asking how I am doing, I have no answer. I have peaks and valleys, I have hard days, super hard days and other days that are so packed full and scheduled that my thoughts are on the surface, they don't go there, I will see his picture in my car and try to smile at my beautiful boy. Hardest times are the weekends and the times when I see his friends, I try to smile and they are all so nice to me, but inside it is so painful because I try to picture him in their midst and feel the bitter taste of injustice come on, the questions why him, he had so much ahead of him, he will never have graduation from Middle School, Prom night, not even a next Halloween, his favorite holiday.....
I go sleep still every night hoping to see him in my dream, but no luck so far, it has been a while.
I am glad I work and stay busy for at least half a day. It is important to keep my mind busy and my heart full of love for my family.
Time moves so fast, it is amazing how more than a year has past. I try to play mind movies and dig deep to remember little things, I would love to have all these little short memories to play over and over on a DVD, but I have to rely on my brain to try to put it together.... panic strikes and I feel like I am in quick sand, because these short memory clips come and go, but once they are gone I have a hard time putting each little moment back together. Sometimes the kids mention something and I ask them questions like my life depends on it, soaking up all the things they tell me, remember about a certain thing.... just yesterday, Niko mentioned to me the name of a bird Luca told him, when we saw a huge group of magpies, Niko said, he called them cow birds, really ? I don't remember that, but all I want to hear is his voice, saying something sweet to me.....I should write more, I should write the little things down, I am not well organized...
One mom I heard of writes her daughter every night, all about what they did that day and thoughts, I think that is beautiful, I planned to do that but so far nothing has been put on paper, I am so tired every night I don't know if I can do it... I will try to start a daily report for Luca, maybe it helps sorting out my thoughts...
Now, looking back a year ago, he was already gone, it is all different now, last month I looked back a year ago and had memories of him with us, now it is over a year and all has changed again..... I think he should just walk through the door and call out :"mom" with his raspy voice, I want to hear him laugh his crazy funny laugh on the trampoline, I want to look out the window and watch him ride his bike, be at the soccer field and watch him do his thing.... guide the back line of the team like he used to,,,watch him all sweaty and tired after the game, knowing he gave his all and left it on the field, knowing his coach is happy because he worked hard for the team....the pride I feel when I watch him do his sports, knowing he is my boy, he is such a hard worker out there with whatever he does, he will do his best, the drive he had, the dedication to all things he did, it makes me so proud to be his mom !!!!
Now 8th grade football is in season, he was always begging to play, maybe he would, maybe I would have given him a break from swimming to try the football thing.... or maybe I would not, because I was always afraid he would get hurt, and having the swimming and soccer filling up his schedule was a welcome excuse to say no, he was sad when we went to school in August to fill his locker, he saw the table for the sports registration and knew kids go to sign up for football, I told him :"you know you have no time to play football" and he said in a sad voice "yes I know".... it makes me sad, he was understanding as usual but his desire and wish was not fulfilled at the time.... did I know he would not be with us anymore a week later ? No, but would my decision have changed ? I am not sure, there are so many questions all around me....
He is with us, he is here, he hangs out with his family whenever he can, I am sure of it. .
Love you so much Luca, miss you like crazy !!!

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

....and then....

.....365 days ago, on Wednesday evening, the team to prepare for the organ transplants came out to Memorial Children's Hospital, and they started working on our boy. It was very traumatic for me and Henry. They checked his organs for suitability. They put a vest around my Luca and then turned on a machine. It was horrifying to me how that machine was shaking his body, he started vibrating and it was just awful for me to watch. This vest, they explained to me, will clear the lungs of any mucus, and the walls of the lungs will be clean after the treatment, the mucus will be suctioned away from the lungs and although I understood, it was just so sad to watch his poor little body move and the camera going down his throat and they kept checking for clean lungs and repeated that process over and over. I felt on the inside a huge regret for ever having agreed to all this. A huge part of me wanted to scream- "stop it, leave him be, just let him lie in peace"... and although I understood they needed to do this to prepare the organ, I just could not bear to watch. Then I was told he does not feel a thing.... that was even worse and I felt he did not get any respect. I tried to tell myself I know he would want to help others and give life, but the visual of all this was so hard for me. It went all through the night and then they still did not know if the lungs would be suitable. I thought - are they kidding ? THIS boy is an amazing athlete, a swimmer, a soccer player, a runner, he uses these beautiful lungs all the time and they are AWESOME.... I felt so challenged and started hoping they can be used, and in the end they did get used.
I sit here now and cry remembering that night, and the morning when the actual organ harvest began. I was not allowed to be by my sweet Gian-Luc, it was so hard to let him go with them I was so afraid he would be scared and lonely without my protection and me by his side, but I sent him with people I trust, and then, on Thursday morning at 10:59am, he took his last breath and that was it, he went to his eternal place of peace and joy.
 I know he helped 4 people and I hope they are all well now. I want to hear from them and get notice how they are doing, but I think I have to take the first step. I will maybe one day.....
Luca went away, away from his body, his family, his only known world, left behind a crushed and shattered place where he once belonged in a happy life, a happy family, left us wounded and broken hearted ..this big void of a person, a being, a character, the one he was ... missing in our life ......but now he is here with us still, not graspable, not huggable, not visible, but I feel his presence often. His siblings remember his presence in the house, things he would say, do, although his laughter can no longer be heard, we remember his raspy voice and miss it so much, the funny things he did, even the arguments with his brother. I miss the way he sat at the dinner table and ate with so much joy, just the joy of eating, I never saw one of my kids love to eat healthy food as much as he did... he would dig into that salad, dressing all around his mouth, huge portions, and when Henry would make him these egg sandwiches, he would eat 2 in one sitting, double bread slices big things... he would eat oatmeal like no other, knowing how it was starting his day just right... he was just the only one... the one I told something once - eat oatmeal before sports - and he would do it forever.... I miss that so much, this agreement, the understanding, the flow that was between the two of us... he seemed to always know what was good for him... dress warm when it's cold, dress cold when it is warm, eat right, play fair, be nice, be kind, be safe, be careful, plan your day, pack your bag early, work hard, care for others, be a good brother.... he listened to all these things, the common sense told him, mom is trying hard to do what's right for you.... he was so appreciative of me....I know and that might hurt the other kids, but I know that I will not ever have that strong strong connection with any one of my other kids. This unspoken understanding, the bond, the band, the cord that seemed to connect us, although the cord is cut at birth it was still there... the invisible cord....that is it. It was like that since he was born. Can your child be your soul mate ? I know he was and I cry over my boy and the loss I have every day, every single day. Sometimes loud, sometimes quiet. He knows I am so sad, and I know he does not want me to be so sad, but what does he expect...? I miss him so terribly and I hope he understands that sadness.... until we meet again, when I take my last breath and my heart stops beating.... then I will be at peace, like him, with will be awesome to be re-united and I know it will be a long time from now, but I know it will feel just like the blink of an eye once I am there. Until then I will pass my time, wait my turn, love my children a lot, care for them and raise them to the best of my abilities. That is all I can do and I will focus hard to do a good job. I am still a mother. I am strong for them and will stay strong only for them, until my time comes...

Friday, August 10, 2012

52 weeks

... so I am at Target tonight and my mood is just down - one of those days, and driving home I suddenly realize that actually going by the day of the week, tonight, 52 weeks ago we were spending our last evening with Luca in our middle.
The Friday was busy, I was at a friends baby shower, Gian-Luc was home with the 2 younger siblings. We talked on the phone, he was funny and kept saying "yes ma'am, yes ma'am"... jokingly when I told him a few things to do over the phone. One other guest and I at the shower were talking about him being a little funny guy over the phone with me. Driving home from the baby shower I knew I had to rush to bring Gian-Luc to a friend's house for baseball practice, but it would be a tight schedule with Niko's birthday party that same afternoon. I suddenly decided - something we usually don't do - to let him skip the baseball practice and instead come to the movies with us. I called him on my drive home to let him know, he was surprised and glad he could come to the movies with us. Why I did that I have no idea but I am so glad I did !!!
We drove to the movie theater and met with Niko's guests. Gian-Luc was excited to be part of our little trick, we had taken a huge big box and covered it in wrapping paper, making it look like a gift, we filled it up with snacks and drinks for everyone and Luca got to carry it in, he probably felt like he was on a secret mission....
We watched the Smurf movie and I sat on the edge of the row, next to me Francesca and then Gian-Luc. It was a silly movie and there were many moments we looked at each other and smiled, laughed and I am happy to remember he had a good time.
We went to YoYogurt after the movie and ate, unpacked gifts and I remember that Niko got a sky ball from one of his friends.
I chatted with mom's who met us there and suddenly Luca came inside the shop
 (they had played outside with the ball) and he looked all guilty. "mom, I accidentally threw the ball on the roof" - I was so mad and said "good luck getting it down"... I was so mean....sadly I can not take that back now.... another guest must have overheard the conversation and went to the bar next door, which had a roof top patio, he came back with the ball and handed it to Gian-Luc. I thanked him and it turned out he was the husband of Adrienne's HS soccer coach... what a small world. Luca smiled again and all was good.
We drove home and my boys and our neighbor girl were sitting in the 3rd row watching video clips on the neighbor girls phone. They had a good time.
At around 10 pm we called Gian-Luc up from the basement to send him to bed, because he had a baseball game the next day.
The evening ended with a "good night" from him walking by us in the living room....that was it....

Earlier today I was thinking how much I wish I could go back to that time in the hospital, just hold him one more time, just kiss him one more time and squeeze his hand. I want to talk to him, tell him things that I did not tell him a year ago. How different would the conversation be? I don't even remember all the things I told him laying besides him in that hospital bed. I remember I massaged his legs, moved his feet, rubbed his skin,  I held his hand and held his hand and held his hand and looked at his short little fingers, I did all kinds of things and nothing changed.

People, people who - I suppose - don't really know what to say, and don't know how much I would appreciate them saying nothing, those people have been asking me in the past few weeks "so, how are you feeling with the anniversary coming up?".... what kind of question is that ? The anniversary - in the dictionary it says: The annually recurring date of a past event, especially one of historical, national, or personal importance.
Personal importance - yes, wanting to remember it ? No - I really don't want to remember the 13. the Saturday, or the 18. the Thursday... the anniversary should be today, the day I really want to remember - happy times, our life before - smiling kids - not a care in the world. It is like tomorrow a year ago our life as it was known ended.
So back to the people and their silly question. I don't want to answer this question - or I want to say "how do you think I am feeling with the anniversary coming up ? - no different than any other day - hurt, sad, heartbroken, depressed - nothing has changed" do people really think the answer will be "we are doing fine, things are much better, we will have a big party on the anniversary"....
Should I just say "I prefer not to answer this question"?

I have been meaning to tell another story, actually two stories that are uplifting and show me how Luca is with us and watching over us wherever we are. We went to Arches National park in July, and as the kids ran ahead to the car, Henry and I were talking and crying, about how Luca would have loved this park and how wrong it is that he was not with us on this vacation. We took this picture at the park
As we left the park and drove across the plains towards the highway, Domyniko pointed at the sky and showed me this unusual cloud. I looked closer and felt so glad to see what I saw. This cloud was formed exactly like the arches we had just seen, the ones we had wished Luca could have seen with us. I saw the arch in the sky and just knew, I knew that he put that there to let us know he was right there with us, he had his arch in the sky and it was beautiful !!! It put a smile on my face and I said "Luca, thanks for showing us your arch, I know you are right here with us !!"
The other story just happened today. I was really struggling today because it is what it is. I am on the phone with my friend, we are discussing the Ascent, and what we need to bring, wear, etc. I am on my cell phone with her. Now it happens a lot on my smartphone that I loose calls or buttons get pushed because the touch screen is so sensitive and my cheek just does stuff to the screen. So as I am saying to my friend "check the bottom of your email there are some good pointers for the race" ... all of a sudden I hear on my phone, out of the blue 
"Hi this is Luca, leave a message" ... my heart started racing... I starred at the screen.... sure enough, my phone had dialed Gian-Luc's here is the crazy part... my friend had called me, so my address book was not even pulled up, I was on my main screen and how in the world did my phone dial this second call in? Anyways, I am sure that Luca did this and I was thrilled to hear his voice. It was a shocker but it just all makes sense to me. He is here and he is communicating with me.. letting me know he is here and all is ok.

So, in case you are wondering and thinking about us. Things are still the same, first day, 10th day, 5th month, or one year.... it is all the same. surreal, unbelievable horrible and nothing that should have ever happened. Why did this happen? Why? That question will never go away. My answers to myself change at times. I am currently thinking he was curious over something that he heard about... smart smart boy but just not thinking this one through.
I am imagining the way his spirit slipped out of his body like the people describe who have near death experiences... they float next to their lifeless body, watching people trying to revive them, then once they are saved they slip back into their body. So, I imagine his spirit floating in his room, looking at his lifeless body with a belt around his neck, and he is thinking in panic "wow, what just happened to me? NO NO NO, this was not supposed to happen.... oh man, I am in so much trouble".....
That is what I imagine happened and I was not even there to save him...

Monday, June 18, 2012

10 Months

It has been a while since I blogged. Did not quite know what to write. I feel repetitive and possibly boring to people reading, but then again,  I write for me, to spill my feelings and thoughts on paper, so there....
It has been 10 months, unreal, unbelievable and I am just as confused as the first week we were in this situation.
Exactly a year ago June 18., on our vacation to Germany, we went to a climbing park, it was so much fun. For the kids, I left my comfort zone and climbed with them, it was something I did not think I would do. On the photo above Luca is making his way up to the platform. I followed. I remember it was a cold and windy day and that platform was pretty shaky. On the top, we had to get across different ways. Here is Luca, he decided that skateboard would be fun to use. After that adventure, we went to a friends restaurant and ate Pizza and Pasta. We were carefree and happy. I did not even realize HOW great life was then....
I feel a lot like this day. Walking on a tight rope, trying not to look down and just making it across every day.
After 10 months of agony and despair, nothing has change. I look at Luca's picture and I feel like the little babies playing peak A boo with an adult, the look of confusion on their faces - what happened? - where did that face go ? They are just as confused as I am looking at Luca on the photo. Where did you go ? What happened ? My brain can answer this but my heart is still up on that climbing plateau last year. At the restaurant, laughing and talking the restaurant, there was a lemon tree on the patio and Luca and Adrienne had to be goofy... ha ha , what a great picture.
I miss that crazy boy so much, it is so painful to remember his fun, kind spirit and how different it is here on earth now.
Someone told me a few weeks ago that I need to change something, I need to get serious help, I need to move on and that all people around me feel that way but just want to be nice and don't tell me the truth... that was pretty harsh and I felt very shocked. I wanted to say "you sound like you know how this feels, have you lost a child?"  People around me are generally very sensitive and caring, understanding and gentle, but some are a little different. A woman asked me recently "And, are you better yet?"... it is surprising to me how that question can even shoot into anyone's head ? Better yet ? Like I had a cold .... do these people want a good answer to make them feel better ? Do they expect me to say " yes, much better, life goes on, I am over it, not to worry, you can now move on and don't have to ask me this anymore"...
I think that only a fraction of people around me can understand what goes on... there is no "better" ....there is never going to be a "better" ... all I can do right now is fill my plate with things to do and things to think of, make my days as busy as possible so I won't go to that thought, that thought of death, of no return, no Luca, no raspy voice in the morning telling me "Hey Mom", no brotherly bickering over little things, no soft hands, soft hair, hazel eyes, no understanding looks when I talk, stories from school, no more amazing performances in the water, on the soccer field, ...the essence of Luca has vaporized... pictures, videos, thoughts, memories, all that is frozen in time. Nothing new will be added. I am not supposed to live in the past ? All I can do is live in the past. The present is missing a person. My body is here, with the kids and I am moving through day after day after day, doing what is expected of me. I am putting on a front, I am living with my family and I feel like I am on a stage... perform well so they are happy. The family seems to have found a new happy. Not 100% but happy enough to "move on"....
I will keep on going, wear my Luca shirt today... Lucastrong day...Happy Lucastrong day, my strong Luca !!