My last post about the ambulance happened on a Monday, and this post is about a Monday as well. I think some of this has to do with my Mondays being emotional in general, the job I do on Mondays is very different from my busy JJs job on Wednesdays and Thursdays. At JJs, I am busy and surrounded by fun people and with them, aside from having to focus on what I am doing, I can easily keep my mind off my sadness and sorrow. On Mondays, I am working on my own, doing a different job, with no communication and all the time in the world to think about Gian-Luc the entire time. I feel sad and still keep going back to the unbelievable and confusing fact that he is not coming back, yes, I still wonder why and just don't get it....
Anyways, so Monday came and I felt sad and lonely again. Driving in the car, 2 times in a row when I turned on the radio, Bruno Mars was playing and for whatever reason, I connect all Bruno Mars songs with Luca.....more sadness....
When I took the kids to swim practice in the afternoon, I remembered this CD I found in a parking lot about a month ago. It did not even have a cover and it was labeled "Favorites" and was just sitting next to my car when I walked up. So I took it, not giving it any meaning at all. I decided to check it out yesterday on the way to the kids swim practice.
First song on the CD is "Knocking on Heaven's door"
Of course these lyrics are meaningful to me, and listening to this song made me even gloomier than I already was.
The second song on the CD is "Into the ocean"
I'm just a normal boy
That sank when I fell overboard
My ship would leave the country
But I'd rather swim ashore
Without a life vest I'd be stuck again
Wish I was much more masculine
Maybe then I could learn to swim
Like 'fourteen miles away'
Now floating up and down
I spin, colliding into sound
Like whales beneath me diving down
I'm sinking to the bottom of my
Everything that freaks me out
The lighthouse beam has just run out
I'm cold as cold as cold can be
I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm fallin' in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion, yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now, come down
Let the rain come down
Where is the coastguard
I keep looking each direction
For a spotlight, give me something
I need something for protection
Maybe flotsam junk will do just fine
The jetsam sunk, I'm left behind
I'm treading for my life believe me
(How can I keep up this breathing)
Not knowing how to think
I scream aloud, begin to sink
My legs and arms are broken down
With envy for the solid ground
I'm reaching for the life within me
How can one man stop his ending
I thought of just your face
Relaxed, and floated into space
Into the ocean, end it all
Into the ocean, end it all
I never heard this song before and the words
it made me very sad to listen to this song.
The third song is "Three Little Birds"
"Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right.
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!"
Rise up this mornin',
Smiled with the risin' sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin' sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin', ("This is my message to you-ou-ou:")
By the time that song was over I was in tears.
This seemed like a message from Luca, after the two
sad songs that seem to describe us and our sorrow,
listening to this was like saying: "I know you
are in pain, I know you are so sad, but just know that
everything will be alright..."
I started talking to Luca and told him that I know he wants us
to be alright, and I try my best to make things alright for us, but it is
just so hard.
I still wonder where this CD came from.....
On the way home from swim practice it shot into my head that there is a freeze coming and I saw some beautiful buds on Luca's apple tree the other day, thinking that the tree is doing so well and it will be wonderful when it blooms.
This is when my panic set in. How can I protect the tree ? What do I do so it won't freeze?
Coming home at 8pm I found instructions on the Internet and started working on making a cover.... fast. I taped trash bag next to trash bag with duct tape, until I had a solid cover, and throbbing knees.
Needless to say, that took a while and I was in such a rush to get the tree saved that I went into a real panic mode, feeling that my family was just watching my meltdown and they were not helping. I lashed out at everyone and they just stayed away from me. After 2 trips to the store 40 trash bags, 4 plastic table cloths, 110 yards of duct tape and 2 hours later, Henry was on the ladder and we were desperately trying to get this "solid" cover on the tree, with 40 mph wind that was nearly impossible. The ideal cover was going to be weight down by bricks on the ground around the bottom of the tree and gallon jugs with hot water were supposed to warm the tree all night inside its perfect cover. Well, the wind ripped our cover at the seams so many times that it barely covered the branches and never reached the ground. I was crying and screaming, and to me it felt like an attempt to save Luca all over again... I was emotionally drained and totally loosing it. A sweet neighbor came to help us and we finally did the best we could to cover Luca's precious tree up somewhat. Not perfect but something.....we were begging the wind to stop for just a little bit so we could arrange the cover... but no such luck, father wind had a mind of his own.
My neighbor said that Luca was probably watching us laughing his butt off....
I sat on the couch at 11 pm and could not feel my hands anymore....gloves were not an option because of the tape, so it was painful. I went to bed freezing, and all I could think about was the cover... would it stay on ?
Another turbulent and emotional Monday..... maybe I should just count on Mondays being tough, no matter what.
Anyways, so Monday came and I felt sad and lonely again. Driving in the car, 2 times in a row when I turned on the radio, Bruno Mars was playing and for whatever reason, I connect all Bruno Mars songs with Luca.....more sadness....
When I took the kids to swim practice in the afternoon, I remembered this CD I found in a parking lot about a month ago. It did not even have a cover and it was labeled "Favorites" and was just sitting next to my car when I walked up. So I took it, not giving it any meaning at all. I decided to check it out yesterday on the way to the kids swim practice.
First song on the CD is "Knocking on Heaven's door"
Mama, take this badge off of me
I can't use it anymore.
It's gettin' dark, too dark for me to see
I feel like I'm knockin' on heaven's door.
Knock, knock, knockin' on heaven's door
Knock, knock, knockin' on heaven's door
Knock, knock, knockin' on heaven's door
Knock, knock, knockin' on heaven's door
Mama, put my guns in the ground
I can't shoot them anymore.
That long black cloud is comin' down
I feel like I'm knockin' on heaven's door.
I can't use it anymore.
It's gettin' dark, too dark for me to see
I feel like I'm knockin' on heaven's door.
Knock, knock, knockin' on heaven's door
Knock, knock, knockin' on heaven's door
Knock, knock, knockin' on heaven's door
Knock, knock, knockin' on heaven's door
Mama, put my guns in the ground
I can't shoot them anymore.
That long black cloud is comin' down
I feel like I'm knockin' on heaven's door.
Of course these lyrics are meaningful to me, and listening to this song made me even gloomier than I already was.
The second song on the CD is "Into the ocean"
I'm just a normal boy
That sank when I fell overboard
My ship would leave the country
But I'd rather swim ashore
Without a life vest I'd be stuck again
Wish I was much more masculine
Maybe then I could learn to swim
Like 'fourteen miles away'
Now floating up and down
I spin, colliding into sound
Like whales beneath me diving down
I'm sinking to the bottom of my
Everything that freaks me out
The lighthouse beam has just run out
I'm cold as cold as cold can be
I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm fallin' in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion, yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now, come down
Let the rain come down
Where is the coastguard
I keep looking each direction
For a spotlight, give me something
I need something for protection
Maybe flotsam junk will do just fine
The jetsam sunk, I'm left behind
I'm treading for my life believe me
(How can I keep up this breathing)
Not knowing how to think
I scream aloud, begin to sink
My legs and arms are broken down
With envy for the solid ground
I'm reaching for the life within me
How can one man stop his ending
I thought of just your face
Relaxed, and floated into space
Into the ocean, end it all
Into the ocean, end it all
I never heard this song before and the words
I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm fallin' in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion, yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now, come down
Let the rain come down
really stuck with me, they seem to describe the way I feel right now andSometimes it feels just like I'm fallin' in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion, yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now, come down
Let the rain come down
it made me very sad to listen to this song.
The third song is "Three Little Birds"
"Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right.
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!"
Rise up this mornin',
Smiled with the risin' sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin' sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin', ("This is my message to you-ou-ou:")
By the time that song was over I was in tears.
This seemed like a message from Luca, after the two
sad songs that seem to describe us and our sorrow,
listening to this was like saying: "I know you
are in pain, I know you are so sad, but just know that
everything will be alright..."
I started talking to Luca and told him that I know he wants us
to be alright, and I try my best to make things alright for us, but it is
just so hard.
I still wonder where this CD came from.....
On the way home from swim practice it shot into my head that there is a freeze coming and I saw some beautiful buds on Luca's apple tree the other day, thinking that the tree is doing so well and it will be wonderful when it blooms.
This is when my panic set in. How can I protect the tree ? What do I do so it won't freeze?
Coming home at 8pm I found instructions on the Internet and started working on making a cover.... fast. I taped trash bag next to trash bag with duct tape, until I had a solid cover, and throbbing knees.
Needless to say, that took a while and I was in such a rush to get the tree saved that I went into a real panic mode, feeling that my family was just watching my meltdown and they were not helping. I lashed out at everyone and they just stayed away from me. After 2 trips to the store 40 trash bags, 4 plastic table cloths, 110 yards of duct tape and 2 hours later, Henry was on the ladder and we were desperately trying to get this "solid" cover on the tree, with 40 mph wind that was nearly impossible. The ideal cover was going to be weight down by bricks on the ground around the bottom of the tree and gallon jugs with hot water were supposed to warm the tree all night inside its perfect cover. Well, the wind ripped our cover at the seams so many times that it barely covered the branches and never reached the ground. I was crying and screaming, and to me it felt like an attempt to save Luca all over again... I was emotionally drained and totally loosing it. A sweet neighbor came to help us and we finally did the best we could to cover Luca's precious tree up somewhat. Not perfect but something.....we were begging the wind to stop for just a little bit so we could arrange the cover... but no such luck, father wind had a mind of his own.
My neighbor said that Luca was probably watching us laughing his butt off....
I sat on the couch at 11 pm and could not feel my hands anymore....gloves were not an option because of the tape, so it was painful. I went to bed freezing, and all I could think about was the cover... would it stay on ?
Another turbulent and emotional Monday..... maybe I should just count on Mondays being tough, no matter what.
