10 Months

It has been a while since I blogged. Did not quite know what to write. I feel repetitive and possibly boring to people reading, but then again,  I write for me, to spill my feelings and thoughts on paper, so there....

It has been 10 months, unreal, unbelievable and I am just as confused as the first week we were in this situation.

Exactly a year ago June 18., on our vacation to Germany, we went to a climbing park, it was so much fun. For the kids, I left my comfort zone and climbed with them, it was something I did not think I would do. On the photo above Luca is making his way up to the platform. I followed. I remember it was a cold and windy day and that platform was pretty shaky. On the top, we had to get across different ways. Here is Luca, he decided that skateboard would be fun to use. After that adventure, we went to a friends restaurant and ate Pizza and Pasta. We were carefree and happy. I did not even realize HOW great life was then....
I feel a lot like this day. Walking on a tight rope, trying not to look down and just making it across every day.

After 10 months of agony and despair, nothing has change. I look at Luca's picture and I feel like the little babies playing peak A boo with an adult, the look of confusion on their faces - what happened? - where did that face go ? They are just as confused as I am looking at Luca on the photo. Where did you go ? What happened ? My brain can answer this but my heart is still up on that climbing plateau last year. At the restaurant, laughing and talking ...at the restaurant, there was a lemon tree on the patio and Luca and Adrienne had to be goofy... ha ha , what a great picture.
I miss that crazy boy so much, it is so painful to remember his fun, kind spirit and how different it is here on earth now.
Someone told me a few weeks ago that I need to change something, I need to get serious help, I need to move on and that all people around me feel that way but just want to be nice and don't tell me the truth... that was pretty harsh and I felt very shocked. I wanted to say "you sound like you know how this feels, have you lost a child?"  People around me are generally very sensitive and caring, understanding and gentle, but some are a little different. A woman asked me recently "And, are you better yet?"... it is surprising to me how that question can even shoot into anyone's head ? Better yet ? Like I had a cold .... do these people want a good answer to make them feel better ? Do they expect me to say " yes, much better, life goes on, I am over it, not to worry, you can now move on and don't have to ask me this anymore"...
I think that only a fraction of people around me can understand what goes on... there is no "better" ....there is never going to be a "better" ... all I can do right now is fill my plate with things to do and things to think of, make my days as busy as possible so I won't go to that thought, that thought of death, of no return, no Luca, no raspy voice in the morning telling me "Hey Mom", no brotherly bickering over little things, no soft hands, soft hair, hazel eyes, no understanding looks when I talk, stories from school, no more amazing performances in the water, on the soccer field, ...the essence of Luca has vaporized... pictures, videos, thoughts, memories, all that is frozen in time. Nothing new will be added. I am not supposed to live in the past ? All I can do is live in the past. The present is missing a person. My body is here, with the kids and I am moving through day after day after day, doing what is expected of me. I am putting on a front, I am living with my family and I feel like I am on a stage... perform well so they are happy. The family seems to have found a new happy. Not 100% but happy enough to "move on"....

I will keep on going, wear my Luca shirt today... Lucastrong day...Happy Lucastrong day, my strong Luca !!