How are you doing ?

So, when I first moved here from Germany, it was very strange for me to hear from everyone I saw "how are you doing today?". Anyone from the customer service at the store, to the person taking my order at the fast food place. Even just people you run into when you walk down the street, they would say "Hi" and
I was baffled, wondering "do I know you" ? I was thinking, why is everyone saying Hi to me ? It took a long time for me to realize that is just the way it is in this country. In Germany you actually only say Hello to people you know. And asking how they are doing is part of a conversation, when you REALLY want to know how someone you already know is doing.
I really doubt that the person at the drive through, handing me my drink is really interested in how I am doing. After a while I did realize that I don't have to respond the way I initially thought... with a full report of how I AM doing...just say fine, ok, or good, and that is how it is.

 I learned also that there is a difference between a real conversation with a person who you know asking "how are you doing?" and the meaningless phrase asking the same question.

Since last August, this question has become a whole different meaning. This question is now a burden I wake up with every day. In the beginning I was wondering what to respond with, and some days I would just tell myself to answer the same way to everyone and switch it up every day.  On occasion I would even dodge people in the store just to avoid this dreadful moment. But I will never say "fine" just to get people off my back. I can not lie about this, I will never feel "fine" again. Henry says it to people all the time, I think because he grew up with the meaningless phrase and grew up with the meaningless answers to that question, he does not even think twice about his answer.
Me on the other hand, I can not just throw out any kind of response, because I know that about 80% of the people who ask me daily know what happened and they are NOW paying much more attention to my response than before Luca died. They really want to hear something positive coming from me, just so they can think "oh good, she is doing better"... but I can not do people that favor, just to make them feel better, I have to stick to the truth. Often I say "I am sad" or I say "not good" and that makes others uncomfortable, sometimes I just say nothing and look at the person until they say "oh I don't even know why I just asked you that" or they will say " oh gosh what a stupid question".
I just really really wish no one would ask me AT ALL anymore but it almost seems like people can not help themselves, they blurt it out right after the Hi, Hello or good morning, like it has to be part of the greeting.... I just crinch when I hear it and sometimes I want to yell out "HOW DO YOU THINK I AM DOING? MY CHILD DIED AND I AM MISERABLE" ...
My therapist suggested to wear a sign on my chest that says " Don't ask me how I am doing" ... that was almost funny if it was not so sad.
Maybe I should be more considerate and just go with the flow like Henry to make people feel better, but I just think, why should I ? Like a previous blog stated, I am past the time when I am concerned about others more than myself ... like the way I want to surround myself with people who are good for me.... I don't think I have to please others if I have to lie about how my heart feels every day, should I ??
Anyways, if you read this, maybe you can come up with something else to say to me when we meet again...maybe you can step out of the box a little bit, the box with the rule " Always say Hi and ask how are you doing when you see someone you know"
Just say HI to me and nothing else, that would be PERFECT !!!
Thanks !!!

Religion

I grew up with a very catholic father. He came from a small village in the Netherlands where people go to church mostly twice per week, everyone is catholic. From little on, he took me to church on Sundays, I went with him and sat there for 90 minutes, not really knowing what was going on, I did not understand most of it, just followed the instructions and it became automatic over the years. Stand up, pray, sing, sit, listen, sing, pray, and so on. First Communion, confessions ( which scared me so bad and I was glad I had another catholic girl by my side, my best friend who always came with me), catholic kids group, catholic preschool. I remember I just made up things at confession, I think I was too young to understand what confession is supposed to do to your soul, I just felt I had to say something that I did wrong so the priest could forgive me, I would say the prayers he told me to say and I could go on with my day.
I was 10 when my parents divorced and the church visits stopped altogether. Sundays became fun days, when my father, on his Sunday visits with me, just did fun stuff, he became the cool dad, lunches, road trips, horseback riding... anything I wished for, but not church. I am not sure if that was a relief for me or if I missed it, I don't remember.
When my father died in a car accident when I was 12, my mind was made up.... there was no God. In my mind there was no way that a man who was so close to God ( basically the only person close to me who cared about God), who prayed and went to church and followed all the "rules", could have died in this horrible accident and God just let that happen... no way, there was no God. My dad was taken from me and all this believing, the hard work and the time and the effort he put into God was rewarded with this ??
I turned my back to religion and made sure that everyone around me knew about this. The people who surrounded me in Germany as a teenager and young adult were not religious, the topic did not come up much anymore.
When we moved to Colorado Springs, I was faced with the topic of religion again. Many people around me are close to God, they are believers, they go to church, it is part of their life. Over the past 19 years I have not met a lot of people who are not at all connected to a church. The few people who admitted to me that they are not religious and that they don't go to church made me feel comfortable. I did not have to hide and pretend, because honestly I get looked at differently for not going to church. I always wanted my friends to like me for who I am but some people have certain standards on how they pick their friends, so I tried not to bring the topic up just to fit in. Between Henry and I, religion came up sometimes. He is a true believer but never forced anything on me.
I used to say "oh well, I guess I am just going to go to Hell then, because if there is a decision to be made, I surely have not been a good enough person to go to heaven".

....A lot has changed now. My mind constantly goes to the question "where is Luca now ?", "will I ever see him again?", "do I have to be a believer to see him again?".
I feel that the pressure for me is on. I feel like I have to make a decision because of what happened. I feel that maybe I HAVE TO BELIEVE so I can be with my boy again someday.  But really, does anybody really know where Luca is? I am so afraid I will do the wrong thing, do I start going to church ? Should I start reading the bible ? Wouldn't that be fake, a pretend belief ? How can I just turn around and accept that there is a god ? Luca's death gives me an even bigger reason to say " Heck no, there is no way there is a God, he would not have taken Luca, he would not have let Luca do this and just watch, he would have saved him in the hospital, with 100s of people praying, no, there is no God because that would be a cruel God !"
BUT, about a week ago, a brand new thought crossed my mind, and it was a horrible thought: Did God punish me for not believing, for not living life by his rules by taking my boy away from me ?
Did he think " I show her what happens to non-believers ...."
This thought makes my heart hurt and turns my stomach. Could I be responsible for the death of my own
child ? Why did I not realize I have to be a good person so my family stays safe ? Did I not know the true power God has to give life and take life away ?
I don't know enough about religion and the bible to know what is being said in all the books that are out there.
But I have heard the saying a lot in the past "God gives life and he takes life"...was his eye on me all this time and he needed to do this to show his power? That can not be the kind God, the great God, the God all these people look up to and believe in? That would be a high price to pay for me to realize the power of God. Take a life ? Take MY SON'S LIFE to punish me for living a life full of sins ? 

I know that I feel very confused and want to do the right thing now, although, in reality, it is actually too late to do the right thing now, nothing will bring Luca back and all I can do now is prepare for the time I will see him again. I REALLY hope we come together again someday, no matter where he is right now, that is all I live for and all I can think about. Heaven or Eternity, Afterlife, Nirvana, or just a Star in the sky, my goal is to find Luca when my time comes !!!

Friendship

Today I watched a movie and in the movie the topic of friendship came up. The main character said how important friendship is and how much more valuable it is than anything you ever want in life.
I started thinking about that and realized how right that man in the movie was. I now value my friendships more than ever before.
In the past, friends were people you just have around you, from all different walks of life, past, present, through school, sports, mostly through their kids people make friends and lots of aquaintances too. When I was younger I was glad to have friends being in a foreign country and having to leave all my friends so far in Germany. Over the years I realized that sometimes these friendships could be hard work. There were arguments, "he said she said" kind of situations and sometimes I found that some friends were not such good friends for me anymore. Having kids and having friends with no kids changed a lot of perspectives. Then there were certain friends for certain things. Some friends were good shopping friends, some were good playground friends, some you met only on the sideline of sports, there were friends you met at work, and others you could talk on the phone with for hours. Friends were just like icing on the cake. The cake was my family and the friends were a nice fluffy sweet extra. Not really needed but not bad to have.
Getting older, I felt it was important to surround myself with friends who make me feel happy, no downers, complainers or people who only want to unload their problems with me. It was hard to distance myself from people who I felt I had not much in common with anymore, because I did not want to hurt anyone's feelings.
NOW, all is so different. NOW I totally understand the REAL value of a friend the man in the movie was talking about. When I used to have all these goals in my life of wanting to have a nicer car, a bigger house and a job that earns me more money, I did not pay enough attention to REAL friendship. It was just part of my life, they were just there.
NOW, I don't want the nicer car, the bigger house or the better job anymore, none of that matters, none of that counts in my life anymore... who cares what care I drive and how big my house is ? If my hair looks great today or weird ??
 What really matters are the friends I have and without those friends I could not get through my days of darkness. I could not step out from under the huge big black blanket of sadness everyday, I would just stay under it and hide and cry.
The friends that I have are next to my family the most important people in my life. I can be myself, I can cry and talk,  and so many of them have open ears and understand my pain, my struggle. The people who tell me that it feels to them almost like they lost their own child are the people I can lean on. The people who encourage me to speak about my son and all the sadness in my heart are the people who help me get up every day and face what is in front of me. The people who know it will never change, the hole in my heart will never close, who don't say "enough already, get over it" those friends make my time here bearable.
Friends are NOW really needed, they are not the fluffy frosting anymore, they are like the daily bread I need to survive.
Thank you ALL my friends for being as awesome and incredible as you are. I truly appreciate each and everyone of you.