How are you doing ?

So, when I first moved here from Germany, it was very strange for me to hear from everyone I saw "how are you doing today?". Anyone from the customer service at the store, to the person taking my order at the fast food place. Even just people you run into when you walk down the street, they would say "Hi" and
I was baffled, wondering "do I know you" ? I was thinking, why is everyone saying Hi to me ? It took a long time for me to realize that is just the way it is in this country. In Germany you actually only say Hello to people you know. And asking how they are doing is part of a conversation, when you REALLY want to know how someone you already know is doing.
I really doubt that the person at the drive through, handing me my drink is really interested in how I am doing. After a while I did realize that I don't have to respond the way I initially thought... with a full report of how I AM doing...just say fine, ok, or good, and that is how it is.

 I learned also that there is a difference between a real conversation with a person who you know asking "how are you doing?" and the meaningless phrase asking the same question.

Since last August, this question has become a whole different meaning. This question is now a burden I wake up with every day. In the beginning I was wondering what to respond with, and some days I would just tell myself to answer the same way to everyone and switch it up every day.  On occasion I would even dodge people in the store just to avoid this dreadful moment. But I will never say "fine" just to get people off my back. I can not lie about this, I will never feel "fine" again. Henry says it to people all the time, I think because he grew up with the meaningless phrase and grew up with the meaningless answers to that question, he does not even think twice about his answer.
Me on the other hand, I can not just throw out any kind of response, because I know that about 80% of the people who ask me daily know what happened and they are NOW paying much more attention to my response than before Luca died. They really want to hear something positive coming from me, just so they can think "oh good, she is doing better"... but I can not do people that favor, just to make them feel better, I have to stick to the truth. Often I say "I am sad" or I say "not good" and that makes others uncomfortable, sometimes I just say nothing and look at the person until they say "oh I don't even know why I just asked you that" or they will say " oh gosh what a stupid question".
I just really really wish no one would ask me AT ALL anymore but it almost seems like people can not help themselves, they blurt it out right after the Hi, Hello or good morning, like it has to be part of the greeting.... I just crinch when I hear it and sometimes I want to yell out "HOW DO YOU THINK I AM DOING? MY CHILD DIED AND I AM MISERABLE" ...
My therapist suggested to wear a sign on my chest that says " Don't ask me how I am doing" ... that was almost funny if it was not so sad.
Maybe I should be more considerate and just go with the flow like Henry to make people feel better, but I just think, why should I ? Like a previous blog stated, I am past the time when I am concerned about others more than myself ... like the way I want to surround myself with people who are good for me.... I don't think I have to please others if I have to lie about how my heart feels every day, should I ??
Anyways, if you read this, maybe you can come up with something else to say to me when we meet again...maybe you can step out of the box a little bit, the box with the rule " Always say Hi and ask how are you doing when you see someone you know"
Just say HI to me and nothing else, that would be PERFECT !!!
Thanks !!!