....and then....

.....365 days ago, on Wednesday evening, the team to prepare for the organ transplants came out to Memorial Children's Hospital, and they started working on our boy. It was very traumatic for me and Henry. They checked his organs for suitability. They put a vest around my Luca and then turned on a machine. It was horrifying to me how that machine was shaking his body, he started vibrating and it was just awful for me to watch. This vest, they explained to me, will clear the lungs of any mucus, and the walls of the lungs will be clean after the treatment, the mucus will be suctioned away from the lungs and although I understood, it was just so sad to watch his poor little body move and the camera going down his throat and they kept checking for clean lungs and repeated that process over and over. I felt on the inside a huge regret for ever having agreed to all this. A huge part of me wanted to scream- "stop it, leave him be, just let him lie in peace"... and although I understood they needed to do this to prepare the organ, I just could not bear to watch. Then I was told he does not feel a thing.... that was even worse and I felt he did not get any respect. I tried to tell myself I know he would want to help others and give life, but the visual of all this was so hard for me. It went all through the night and then they still did not know if the lungs would be suitable. I thought - are they kidding ? THIS boy is an amazing athlete, a swimmer, a soccer player, a runner, he uses these beautiful lungs all the time and they are AWESOME.... I felt so challenged and started hoping they can be used, and in the end they did get used.
I sit here now and cry remembering that night, and the morning when the actual organ harvest began. I was not allowed to be by my sweet Gian-Luc, it was so hard to let him go with them I was so afraid he would be scared and lonely without my protection and me by his side, but I sent him with people I trust, and then, on Thursday morning at 10:59am, he took his last breath and that was it, he went to his eternal place of peace and joy.
 I know he helped 4 people and I hope they are all well now. I want to hear from them and get notice how they are doing, but I think I have to take the first step. I will maybe one day.....
Luca went away, away from his body, his family, his only known world, left behind a crushed and shattered place where he once belonged in a happy life, a happy family, left us wounded and broken hearted ..this big void of a person, a being, a character, the one he was ... missing in our life ......but now he is here with us still, not graspable, not huggable, not visible, but I feel his presence often. His siblings remember his presence in the house, things he would say, do, although his laughter can no longer be heard, we remember his raspy voice and miss it so much, the funny things he did, even the arguments with his brother. I miss the way he sat at the dinner table and ate with so much joy, just the joy of eating, I never saw one of my kids love to eat healthy food as much as he did... he would dig into that salad, dressing all around his mouth, huge portions, and when Henry would make him these egg sandwiches, he would eat 2 in one sitting, double bread slices big things... he would eat oatmeal like no other, knowing how it was starting his day just right... he was just the only one... the one I told something once - eat oatmeal before sports - and he would do it forever.... I miss that so much, this agreement, the understanding, the flow that was between the two of us... he seemed to always know what was good for him... dress warm when it's cold, dress cold when it is warm, eat right, play fair, be nice, be kind, be safe, be careful, plan your day, pack your bag early, work hard, care for others, be a good brother.... he listened to all these things, the common sense told him, mom is trying hard to do what's right for you.... he was so appreciative of me....I know and that might hurt the other kids, but I know that I will not ever have that strong strong connection with any one of my other kids. This unspoken understanding, the bond, the band, the cord that seemed to connect us, although the cord is cut at birth it was still there... the invisible cord....that is it. It was like that since he was born. Can your child be your soul mate ? I know he was and I cry over my boy and the loss I have every day, every single day. Sometimes loud, sometimes quiet. He knows I am so sad, and I know he does not want me to be so sad, but what does he expect...? I miss him so terribly and I hope he understands that sadness.... until we meet again, when I take my last breath and my heart stops beating.... then I will be at peace, like him, with him...it will be awesome to be re-united and I know it will be a long time from now, but I know it will feel just like the blink of an eye once I am there. Until then I will pass my time, wait my turn, love my children a lot, care for them and raise them to the best of my abilities. That is all I can do and I will focus hard to do a good job. I am still a mother. I am strong for them and will stay strong only for them, until my time comes...