Just on the other side

Another Lucastrong day, month 13, and still I look at his picture bewildered and aching.
I am watching "Long Island Medium" like an addict, the show is so comforting for me. I have asked for an appointment 3 times in the past year and I am being told that I am on the waiting list. I would probably travel across the world to get a reading, to have my confirmation that Luca is just on the other side, behind a wall and always with me to see and hear me. I have not physically felt him but my gutts tell me that he is near.
I know he helps us when he can, energy, good thoughts and such come from him going into us. The kids sports are going so well, and I am having good results with my sports as well. When I am having a bad day I can think of him and try to see what he would say to me, it helps a lot.

I am glad Adrienne is posting some stuff on Facebook, I am always afraid she is so numb and hurting only on the inside, but posting for her is very therapeutic I believe, just like it is for me. Just the other day, she posted this beautiful poem
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away to the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other,
That, we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name.
Speak to me in the easy way

which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.

Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed
at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me. Pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word
that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effect.
Without the trace of a shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same that it ever was.
There is absolute unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind
because I am out of sight?

I am but waiting for you.
For an interval.
Somewhere. Very near.
Just around the corner.

 

I read it a lot and it reminds me that eventually we will be together again and that we are still very close and I need to be there for everyone else. The little kids should read it too and I am hoping they will someday start their journal, I bought them each one. I don't want them to feel forced and make it like homework, I would much rather have them feel like wanting to write, but they might be too young.

Henry has changed, he is now able to look at photos more often, and sometimes we talk about Luca and he does not shut down. We are ships in a storm, trying to stay afloat, not moving forward but just trying to stay afloat. That is a lot already.

People are still asking how I am doing, I have no answer. I have peaks and valleys, I have hard days, super hard days and other days that are so packed full and scheduled that my thoughts are on the surface, they don't go there, I will see his picture in my car and try to smile at my beautiful boy. Hardest times are the weekends and the times when I see his friends, I try to smile and they are all so nice to me, but inside it is so painful because I try to picture him in their midst and feel the bitter taste of injustice come on, the questions why him, he had so much ahead of him, he will never have graduation from Middle School, Prom night, not even a next Halloween, his favorite holiday.....

I go sleep still every night hoping to see him in my dream, but no luck so far, it has been a while.

 

I am glad I work and stay busy for at least half a day. It is important to keep my mind busy and my heart full of love for my family.

Time moves so fast, it is amazing how more than a year has past. I try to play mind movies and dig deep to remember little things, I would love to have all these little short memories to play over and over on a DVD, but I have to rely on my brain to try to put it together.... panic strikes and I feel like I am in quick sand, because these short memory clips come and go, but once they are gone I have a hard time putting each little moment back together. Sometimes the kids mention something and I ask them questions like my life depends on it, soaking up all the things they tell me, remember about a certain thing.... just yesterday, Niko mentioned to me the name of a bird Luca told him, when we saw a huge group of magpies, Niko said, he called them cow birds, really ? I don't remember that, but all I want to hear is his voice, saying something sweet to me.....I should write more, I should write the little things down, I am not well organized...

One mom I heard of writes her daughter every night, all about what they did that day and thoughts, I think that is beautiful, I planned to do that but so far nothing has been put on paper, I am so tired every night I don't know if I can do it... I will try to start a daily report for Luca, maybe it helps sorting out my thoughts...

Now, looking back a year ago, he was already gone, it is all different now, last month I looked back a year ago and had memories of him with us, now it is over a year and all has changed again..... I think he should just walk through the door and call out :"mom" with his raspy voice, I want to hear him laugh his crazy funny laugh on the trampoline, I want to look out the window and watch him ride his bike, be at the soccer field and watch him do his thing.... guide the back line of the team like he used to,,,watch him all sweaty and tired after the game, knowing he gave his all and left it on the field, knowing his coach is happy because he worked hard for the team....the pride I feel when I watch him do his sports, knowing he is my boy, he is such a hard worker out there with whatever he does, he will do his best, the drive he had, the dedication to all things he did, it makes me so proud to be his mom !!!!

Now 8th grade football is in season, he was always begging to play, maybe he would, maybe I would have given him a break from swimming to try the football thing.... or maybe I would not, because I was always afraid he would get hurt, and having the swimming and soccer filling up his schedule was a welcome excuse to say no, he was sad when we went to school in August to fill his locker, he saw the table for the sports registration and knew kids go to sign up for football, I told him :"you know you have no time to play football" and he said in a sad voice "yes I know".... it makes me sad, he was understanding as usual but his desire and wish was not fulfilled at the time.... did I know he would not be with us anymore a week later ? No, but would my decision have changed ? I am not sure, there are so many questions all around me....

 

He is with us, he is here, he hangs out with his family whenever he can, I am sure of it. .

Love you so much Luca, miss you like crazy !!!