The NEW NORMAL

It has been a while that I wrote, I really was never in the mood to write anything,  but today I feel like sharing. I found a "poem" a mom wrote after her son died in a drowning accident and many of her feelings put into words really hit home for me, I want to share but modify this a little bit, I took a few things out and added some other personal feeling to this. So I am copying this a little bit, but not totally, I hope this is not unethical but I am thanking this mom to have a perfect way of putting our feelings into words....

What is Normal after your child dies?

Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life.

Normal is having the TV on the minute you walk into the house to have noise, because the silence is deafening.

Normal is staring at every boy who looks like he is Gian-Luc's age. And then thinking of the age he'd would be now. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.

Normal is every happy event in your life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in your heart.

Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of your "normal."

Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and their birthdays and survive these days. And trying to find the balloon or cake or invitation that fit's the occasion. Happy Birthday? Not really.

Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special, a show, an event or even a good song that I know Gian-Luc would love. Thinking how he would love it, but how he is not here to enjoy it.

Normal is having some people afraid to mention my son.

Normal is making sure that others remember him by constantly mentioning his name in conversations because he is on my mind so much and I want him to be on other people's mind as well, but at the same time I feel how others get uncomfortable when I mention his name.

Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.

Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why didn't I's go through your head constantly.

Normal is reliving the accident continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away, but also reliving the time in the hospital, when you last touched and held this precious child, kissed his cheek and rubbed his feet.

Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse, not better.

Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. Nothing compares.
NOTHING.
Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn't compare.

Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.

Normal is starting to cry when you hear ambulance sirens, and trying to hold it together when having to pass by the two hospitals frequently that hold horrible memories....

Normal is realizing you do cry everyday. 

Normal is being in awe of the way his friends have grown into young men and young women, and looking at them like they can help re-live his life, trying to hold on to what is left of the past and feeling glad to see their big smiles, but at the same time feeling so sad he is not standing in the circle of all these friends where he belongs.

Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone in your family because they sometimes just don't seem to understand how hard it is to get up every morning and put on a "face".

Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with chat buddies who have also lost a child. 

Normal is craving the time to sit on the computer often and just stare at all the pictures of your child, from baby to last one taken, and asking all friends to please please send any picture they can find that has your child in it.

Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God: "God may have done this because…" or the always popular comment "everything happens for a reason" ... really ?

Hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why a fantastic young man was taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.

Normal is being overcome by the physical pain from missing your child so much that your heart litterally cramps up together with your gutt, missing the voice, the touch, the hug and the smile of him.

Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did the laundry or if there is any food. Trying to fix dinner every night is a never ending chore and the joy of cooking dinner for the family is gone... because someone who enjoyed my food so much is not at our dinner table anymore.

Normal is not insisting for the family to sit at the dinner table like we used to, normal is now that everyone just eats anywhere because we just don't want to sit at the table being reminded that our son and brother is not here with us.

Normal is the short pause I make before I answer the question "How many kids do you have?" before I still answer 4 so I don't betray my boy ... and hope there are no further questions, because asking for the age is becoming so awkward with one child whose age never changes. Do I have to explain?

Normal is to still have all his clothes in his closet, exactly the way he left them and going in there and smelling his clothes and sitting down to cry in the dark.

Normal is wishing every day I could switch with my boy and go where Gian-Luc is and he could come back to earth and live his life like he should, I so gladly would !!

Normal is knowing you will never get over this loss, not in a day nor a million years.

Normal is switching therapists several times because each of them speaks of the grief process like there is an end to it and it will come soon, when I know so well that this is not true. Feeling misunderstood because they all say it is going to get better - "time heals"?

Normal is being at all the places he was before -playgrounds, pools, soccer fields, schools and seeing him right there in your mind, swimming, laughing, playing sports, walking down the hallways, and you want to smile at the memories but you get so depressed instead because you know he will never be at these places again.

Normal is knowing life as it was is over forever and only bringing your child back from the dead could possibly make it "better."

Normal is living by a new calendar "before his death" and "after his death" are now the way we describe the past. Trying to find out details from his siblings about past events "did he know this song?" "was he still with us when we watched this movie?".

Normal is having panic attacks over lost memories, not being able to figure out small details of the past and feeling helpless while forgetting so many events from the past... memory loss sucks !!

Normal is vowing to never move out of this house, because this house is where he grew up and was close to you, and this house is where his spirit still exists.

Normal is hoping that people you run into at work or at the store WON'T ask you "how are you doing?" because you just don't want to lie to them but rather tell them the truth that you still feel empty and it's probably never going to get any better -- ever, but knowing at the same time how uncomfortable you make them feel.

And last of all...

Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal."

Birthday Preparations

...so, in 3 days is Luca's birthday, 14 years old, unbelievable. How would he look now? I am sure as beautiful as always. I am still so numb and I don't think that will every change,  still speechless looking at his photos. His face as cute as can be, the big heart of his is also in his face, a true and genuine happy smile, just a happy boy.
 I have some of his friends as friends on facebook, and I look at their posts, the relationships they have, boyfriend, girlfriend, the whole nine yards of dating, the groups that are meeting to hang out, the parties and get togethers they are having. He was a popular kid and he would have been part of them always. Making faces into the camera... posting his own stuff on FB, I wonder what he would write... Truth is....that is something the kids do and they tell each other stuff they might not say face to face... it is interesting... or the video clips of dancing, singing or just talking.... kids are outspoken on facebook.... he would do the same I am sure.
Would he have a girlfriend ?
How tall would he be?
I am sure for his 14. Birthday he would have asked for something electronic, or maybe some special shoes? Maybe a trip to Germany? Would he still be a fast swimmer, or even still be swimming? Would he still play soccer? I am pretty sure, he loved soccer.....
We are meeting at the soccer complex again this year, for cake and balloons and chinese lanterns... this year we want to see if people want to play some soccer, I do.... might be fun...we are also dedicating the bench, his memorial bench, it has taken a long time to get that finished, a very unique piece I have to say, it is beautiful and I hope it will hold up for a long long time. I  know this coming Fall Niko will play at the complex because of his age, so I will be out there more frequently, I was happy so far I did not have to be out there at all, those memories of Luca practicing and playing at the complex, they were just too much for me and too sad. Now I will have to be there no matter what, but I will sit on his awesome bench and just talk to him, trying to remember the good days....
Luca is with me, I realized that every time I think of him and picture him by me, he actually is, in my heart and in my mind, with me wherever I go. The fact that his face pops into my brain is just meaning that he is actually there, he puts himself into my mind.  I know now that our journey on earth is really a very short one. It won't be long at all until I am with him again and we will be able to spend a long time together, somewhere, just together.
I know now that my pain over his death is so very very deep, because his love for me and my love for him was so deep, so different so strong. He loved me with all his heart, unconditionally, with no doubt or hesitation. I know that others around me don't have all that, ALL that love for me, they love me but that special connection of the soul is just not there. We have that him and I, and that will never change. I felt validated by him, I knew that he knew that I would do anything for him, that I always only wanted the best for him, only wanted him happy, just like my other kids, but he looked beneath the rules, the strict parenting, he could see the deeper purpose of all the things I did to raise the kids right, my other kids mostly only think I am a strict and controling parent....Gian-Luc made me feel valuable, accepted, important, and now I don't have that anymore.... I think my happiness depended very much on him, he helped me feel good about myself, and I am missing that so much right now...
Moving through my days, just getting day after day over and looking forward every night to just crawl into bed, hoping for a dream about him, that is how my days are... one day at a time hoping to rush through my life fast, get old and then comes the best part.

I picture myself on my death bed, with a big smile on my face, looking forward to close my eyes to see him again... excited.... my other kids around me, all sad but understanding, they have had me for a very long time, I have seen them grow up and become adults, building up their own life, living their life and moving on.... then it is my time to go, and I really can not wait, but I have to. So patience right now... Geduld .....