...so, in 3 days is Luca's birthday, 14 years old, unbelievable. How would he look now? I am sure as beautiful as always. I am still so numb and I don't think that will every change, still speechless looking at his photos. His face as cute as can be, the big heart of his is also in his face, a true and genuine happy smile, just a happy boy.
I have some of his friends as friends on facebook, and I look at their posts, the relationships they have, boyfriend, girlfriend, the whole nine yards of dating, the groups that are meeting to hang out, the parties and get togethers they are having. He was a popular kid and he would have been part of them always. Making faces into the camera... posting his own stuff on FB, I wonder what he would write... Truth is....that is something the kids do and they tell each other stuff they might not say face to face... it is interesting... or the video clips of dancing, singing or just talking.... kids are outspoken on facebook.... he would do the same I am sure.
Would he have a girlfriend ?
How tall would he be?
I am sure for his 14. Birthday he would have asked for something electronic, or maybe some special shoes? Maybe a trip to Germany? Would he still be a fast swimmer, or even still be swimming? Would he still play soccer? I am pretty sure, he loved soccer.....
We are meeting at the soccer complex again this year, for cake and balloons and chinese lanterns... this year we want to see if people want to play some soccer, I do.... might be fun...we are also dedicating the bench, his memorial bench, it has taken a long time to get that finished, a very unique piece I have to say, it is beautiful and I hope it will hold up for a long long time. I know this coming Fall Niko will play at the complex because of his age, so I will be out there more frequently, I was happy so far I did not have to be out there at all, those memories of Luca practicing and playing at the complex, they were just too much for me and too sad. Now I will have to be there no matter what, but I will sit on his awesome bench and just talk to him, trying to remember the good days....
Luca is with me, I realized that every time I think of him and picture him by me, he actually is, in my heart and in my mind, with me wherever I go. The fact that his face pops into my brain is just meaning that he is actually there, he puts himself into my mind. I know now that our journey on earth is really a very short one. It won't be long at all until I am with him again and we will be able to spend a long time together, somewhere, just together.
I know now that my pain over his death is so very very deep, because his love for me and my love for him was so deep, so different so strong. He loved me with all his heart, unconditionally, with no doubt or hesitation. I know that others around me don't have all that, ALL that love for me, they love me but that special connection of the soul is just not there. We have that him and I, and that will never change. I felt validated by him, I knew that he knew that I would do anything for him, that I always only wanted the best for him, only wanted him happy, just like my other kids, but he looked beneath the rules, the strict parenting, he could see the deeper purpose of all the things I did to raise the kids right, my other kids mostly only think I am a strict and controling parent....Gian-Luc made me feel valuable, accepted, important, and now I don't have that anymore.... I think my happiness depended very much on him, he helped me feel good about myself, and I am missing that so much right now...
Moving through my days, just getting day after day over and looking forward every night to just crawl into bed, hoping for a dream about him, that is how my days are... one day at a time hoping to rush through my life fast, get old and then comes the best part.
I picture myself on my death bed, with a big smile on my face, looking forward to close my eyes to see him again... excited.... my other kids around me, all sad but understanding, they have had me for a very long time, I have seen them grow up and become adults, building up their own life, living their life and moving on.... then it is my time to go, and I really can not wait, but I have to. So patience right now... Geduld .....
I have some of his friends as friends on facebook, and I look at their posts, the relationships they have, boyfriend, girlfriend, the whole nine yards of dating, the groups that are meeting to hang out, the parties and get togethers they are having. He was a popular kid and he would have been part of them always. Making faces into the camera... posting his own stuff on FB, I wonder what he would write... Truth is....that is something the kids do and they tell each other stuff they might not say face to face... it is interesting... or the video clips of dancing, singing or just talking.... kids are outspoken on facebook.... he would do the same I am sure.
Would he have a girlfriend ?
How tall would he be?
I am sure for his 14. Birthday he would have asked for something electronic, or maybe some special shoes? Maybe a trip to Germany? Would he still be a fast swimmer, or even still be swimming? Would he still play soccer? I am pretty sure, he loved soccer.....
We are meeting at the soccer complex again this year, for cake and balloons and chinese lanterns... this year we want to see if people want to play some soccer, I do.... might be fun...we are also dedicating the bench, his memorial bench, it has taken a long time to get that finished, a very unique piece I have to say, it is beautiful and I hope it will hold up for a long long time. I know this coming Fall Niko will play at the complex because of his age, so I will be out there more frequently, I was happy so far I did not have to be out there at all, those memories of Luca practicing and playing at the complex, they were just too much for me and too sad. Now I will have to be there no matter what, but I will sit on his awesome bench and just talk to him, trying to remember the good days....
Luca is with me, I realized that every time I think of him and picture him by me, he actually is, in my heart and in my mind, with me wherever I go. The fact that his face pops into my brain is just meaning that he is actually there, he puts himself into my mind. I know now that our journey on earth is really a very short one. It won't be long at all until I am with him again and we will be able to spend a long time together, somewhere, just together.
I know now that my pain over his death is so very very deep, because his love for me and my love for him was so deep, so different so strong. He loved me with all his heart, unconditionally, with no doubt or hesitation. I know that others around me don't have all that, ALL that love for me, they love me but that special connection of the soul is just not there. We have that him and I, and that will never change. I felt validated by him, I knew that he knew that I would do anything for him, that I always only wanted the best for him, only wanted him happy, just like my other kids, but he looked beneath the rules, the strict parenting, he could see the deeper purpose of all the things I did to raise the kids right, my other kids mostly only think I am a strict and controling parent....Gian-Luc made me feel valuable, accepted, important, and now I don't have that anymore.... I think my happiness depended very much on him, he helped me feel good about myself, and I am missing that so much right now...
Moving through my days, just getting day after day over and looking forward every night to just crawl into bed, hoping for a dream about him, that is how my days are... one day at a time hoping to rush through my life fast, get old and then comes the best part.
Reading this makes me very sad. Only you know what bond you had with him. I will never understand the pain you are enduring in losing a child. I lost my dad last year and we had this special bond and i can cry in a second just thinking about him. I am sending you strength to be there for your other children. They are probably fighting their own demons. How is your husband...he is dealing with his own pain i guess. I wish you love Petra..lots and lots of love...your friend..viola
ReplyDeleteSugar, I cannot believe I didn't post how beautiful this was!
ReplyDeleteYou've been on my mind and in my heart this last week. How the news from DCC must have devastated you. You have done SO MUCH to prevent another death like Luca's. You have educated SO MANY. Please, do not let this week's news weigh on your heart.
I am looking forward to this summer and hanging at the pool with you!