The NEW NORMAL

It has been a while that I wrote, I really was never in the mood to write anything,  but today I feel like sharing. I found a "poem" a mom wrote after her son died in a drowning accident and many of her feelings put into words really hit home for me, I want to share but modify this a little bit, I took a few things out and added some other personal feeling to this. So I am copying this a little bit, but not totally, I hope this is not unethical but I am thanking this mom to have a perfect way of putting our feelings into words....

What is Normal after your child dies?

Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life.

Normal is having the TV on the minute you walk into the house to have noise, because the silence is deafening.

Normal is staring at every boy who looks like he is Gian-Luc's age. And then thinking of the age he'd would be now. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.

Normal is every happy event in your life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in your heart.

Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of your "normal."

Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and their birthdays and survive these days. And trying to find the balloon or cake or invitation that fit's the occasion. Happy Birthday? Not really.

Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special, a show, an event or even a good song that I know Gian-Luc would love. Thinking how he would love it, but how he is not here to enjoy it.

Normal is having some people afraid to mention my son.

Normal is making sure that others remember him by constantly mentioning his name in conversations because he is on my mind so much and I want him to be on other people's mind as well, but at the same time I feel how others get uncomfortable when I mention his name.

Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.

Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why didn't I's go through your head constantly.

Normal is reliving the accident continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away, but also reliving the time in the hospital, when you last touched and held this precious child, kissed his cheek and rubbed his feet.

Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse, not better.

Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. Nothing compares.
NOTHING.
Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn't compare.

Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.

Normal is starting to cry when you hear ambulance sirens, and trying to hold it together when having to pass by the two hospitals frequently that hold horrible memories....

Normal is realizing you do cry everyday. 

Normal is being in awe of the way his friends have grown into young men and young women, and looking at them like they can help re-live his life, trying to hold on to what is left of the past and feeling glad to see their big smiles, but at the same time feeling so sad he is not standing in the circle of all these friends where he belongs.

Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone in your family because they sometimes just don't seem to understand how hard it is to get up every morning and put on a "face".

Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with chat buddies who have also lost a child. 

Normal is craving the time to sit on the computer often and just stare at all the pictures of your child, from baby to last one taken, and asking all friends to please please send any picture they can find that has your child in it.

Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God: "God may have done this because…" or the always popular comment "everything happens for a reason" ... really ?

Hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why a fantastic young man was taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.

Normal is being overcome by the physical pain from missing your child so much that your heart litterally cramps up together with your gutt, missing the voice, the touch, the hug and the smile of him.

Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did the laundry or if there is any food. Trying to fix dinner every night is a never ending chore and the joy of cooking dinner for the family is gone... because someone who enjoyed my food so much is not at our dinner table anymore.

Normal is not insisting for the family to sit at the dinner table like we used to, normal is now that everyone just eats anywhere because we just don't want to sit at the table being reminded that our son and brother is not here with us.

Normal is the short pause I make before I answer the question "How many kids do you have?" before I still answer 4 so I don't betray my boy ... and hope there are no further questions, because asking for the age is becoming so awkward with one child whose age never changes. Do I have to explain?

Normal is to still have all his clothes in his closet, exactly the way he left them and going in there and smelling his clothes and sitting down to cry in the dark.

Normal is wishing every day I could switch with my boy and go where Gian-Luc is and he could come back to earth and live his life like he should, I so gladly would !!

Normal is knowing you will never get over this loss, not in a day nor a million years.

Normal is switching therapists several times because each of them speaks of the grief process like there is an end to it and it will come soon, when I know so well that this is not true. Feeling misunderstood because they all say it is going to get better - "time heals"?

Normal is being at all the places he was before -playgrounds, pools, soccer fields, schools and seeing him right there in your mind, swimming, laughing, playing sports, walking down the hallways, and you want to smile at the memories but you get so depressed instead because you know he will never be at these places again.

Normal is knowing life as it was is over forever and only bringing your child back from the dead could possibly make it "better."

Normal is living by a new calendar "before his death" and "after his death" are now the way we describe the past. Trying to find out details from his siblings about past events "did he know this song?" "was he still with us when we watched this movie?".

Normal is having panic attacks over lost memories, not being able to figure out small details of the past and feeling helpless while forgetting so many events from the past... memory loss sucks !!

Normal is vowing to never move out of this house, because this house is where he grew up and was close to you, and this house is where his spirit still exists.

Normal is hoping that people you run into at work or at the store WON'T ask you "how are you doing?" because you just don't want to lie to them but rather tell them the truth that you still feel empty and it's probably never going to get any better -- ever, but knowing at the same time how uncomfortable you make them feel.

And last of all...

Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal."