Time is going by fast, and yet, it has stopped since August 13. for me.
Everyone around me moves on with their lives, their kids, their daily
tasks, and I feel that I am walking in place, like going the wrong way on an escalator. I step and step but feel I am not going anywhere.
As I move through my days, some are busier than others and my mind is full of planning, focusing on what is going on that day and the next, and I catch myself being 'too busy to be sad".
Then..boom... here comes the realization all of a sudden out of nowhere.. and it literally is gut wrenching... like someone is wringing out my heart and stomach... physically painful.
Luca is gone, he is wiped of the face of the earth and I will never see him again.
That is reality and it is every time I think that thought evenly unbelievable for me.
I still don't understand what is going on here, can this really be true ?
My mind just can not wrap itself around this.
Yesterday I drove down the street in our neighborhood on my way home. And believe it or not, I looked at our front door when I drove up and it looked like someone was standing there... oh my gosh it is Luca.... that is what I thought... am I going crazy ? It was just one of our chairs on the front porch that was sitting a bit sideways.... then I feel like I am standing right next to myself, looking at me and going - really ? Do you still not get it ?
It is hard to say what time will change inside of me... but as I said, it has stopped and everyone, even my own kids are moving on, at least on the outside. They are growing out of their clothes and shoes, their hair is changing, they are getting better at their sports, all the things that time does to people. I just feel the same since August 13.
I wonder if I need to meet with other people who have lost children, to see if they feel just like me, but here we go right into my next topic... categories....
I have become a member of different categories that I never wanted to belong to.
Everyone around me moves on with their lives, their kids, their daily
tasks, and I feel that I am walking in place, like going the wrong way on an escalator. I step and step but feel I am not going anywhere.
As I move through my days, some are busier than others and my mind is full of planning, focusing on what is going on that day and the next, and I catch myself being 'too busy to be sad".
Then..boom... here comes the realization all of a sudden out of nowhere.. and it literally is gut wrenching... like someone is wringing out my heart and stomach... physically painful.
Luca is gone, he is wiped of the face of the earth and I will never see him again.
That is reality and it is every time I think that thought evenly unbelievable for me.
I still don't understand what is going on here, can this really be true ?
My mind just can not wrap itself around this.
Yesterday I drove down the street in our neighborhood on my way home. And believe it or not, I looked at our front door when I drove up and it looked like someone was standing there... oh my gosh it is Luca.... that is what I thought... am I going crazy ? It was just one of our chairs on the front porch that was sitting a bit sideways.... then I feel like I am standing right next to myself, looking at me and going - really ? Do you still not get it ?
It is hard to say what time will change inside of me... but as I said, it has stopped and everyone, even my own kids are moving on, at least on the outside. They are growing out of their clothes and shoes, their hair is changing, they are getting better at their sports, all the things that time does to people. I just feel the same since August 13.
I wonder if I need to meet with other people who have lost children, to see if they feel just like me, but here we go right into my next topic... categories....
I have become a member of different categories that I never wanted to belong to.
- I am a person who lost a loved one
- I am a mother who lost a child
- I am a mother who lost a child to TCG - there is even a facebook group for that one.
- I am taking my children to a kids grief group, where other children have lost a loved one, and the parents sit together and talk about how to best support these children.
- I am going to grief therapy once per week.
- I am one of the people who step into a social setting and others say.. "she lost her son last year" and people go "that is so sad" - I can not hear that but I can feel the looks of pity and compassion on me, and then I want to leave that situation.
- I am now in the category of people who take anti-depressants to get out of bed in the morning. - I only knew these people from commercials until now
- I am in the category of people who go on a crusade for a cause, because of something that happened to them in their lives
- I am in the category of people who have a website, to warn others of a terrible thing, because I have experienced it
- I became a speaker - that is something I never thought would happen
- I am in the category of people who are well taken care of by others because of special circumstances.
People don't really get mad at me anymore when I screw up, it is like I have this "get out of jail" card now.
I am not sure if that helps but it is a smooth sailing for me - on the outside...
It is nice that everyone is so nice to me, but I would also like to have true friends and people who are genuine about their interest in me, not feeling that they have the duty to take care of me, like a sick elderly person...
How do I know who really likes me for me and not just feels the call to help because of what happened to me ?
But again, like I said in a previous post, I am thankful for the friendships, the people who take care of me, the love and compassion that is coming to us from all directions, so please don't get me wrong, I am not complaining, I just wish there was no reason to do all this for us in the first place.
Petra - You ARE forever going to long for another day, another hour, another experience with Luca. That will never go away. You have been forever changed by this loss, by this event, by the groups that you're attending, by the loss of sleep, by the people who have come and gone. You will never know who is there for you for the long haul until you turn around many years down the road and look back. Generally, people, by nature, want to help. Most are genuinely caring and want to do whatever it takes to make others happy. My only suggestion is to take from others what they are willing to give as long as it makes you feel better. Those that are coming into your life right now for the wrong reasons will go just as quickly. Those who are meant to stay, will. Allow yourself to grieve whenever it comes. Allow yourself to laugh whenever that comes too. RIght now, it's one day at a time . . . maybe even one minute at a time. As time moves forward, you will too. Right now, you're not ready. But, I can assure you, that one day you will and it will feel okay. I think about you often . . .
ReplyDeleteJane Taylor
"I am now in the category of people who take anti-depressants to get out of bed in the morning. - I only knew these people from commercials until now"
ReplyDeleteNope. You know me. And I have been on them for some time. And I didn't lose a child... I suffer from depression. Most of my family through the years sufferered from depression and they all became alcoholics. So, I take the drugs.
On another note, you inspire me! I am so glad you are out there saving lives! These are not groups you wanted to be in, but you had a choice... you could have wrapped yourself up in a snuggie and not reached out to educate others. Pat yourself on the back girlfriend!