I grew up with a very catholic father. He came from a small village in the Netherlands where people go to church mostly twice per week, everyone is catholic. From little on, he took me to church on Sundays, I went with him and sat there for 90 minutes, not really knowing what was going on, I did not understand most of it, just followed the instructions and it became automatic over the years. Stand up, pray, sing, sit, listen, sing, pray, and so on. First Communion, confessions ( which scared me so bad and I was glad I had another catholic girl by my side, my best friend who always came with me), catholic kids group, catholic preschool. I remember I just made up things at confession, I think I was too young to understand what confession is supposed to do to your soul, I just felt I had to say something that I did wrong so the priest could forgive me, I would say the prayers he told me to say and I could go on with my day.
I was 10 when my parents divorced and the church visits stopped altogether. Sundays became fun days, when my father, on his Sunday visits with me, just did fun stuff, he became the cool dad, lunches, road trips, horseback riding... anything I wished for, but not church. I am not sure if that was a relief for me or if I missed it, I don't remember.
When my father died in a car accident when I was 12, my mind was made up.... there was no God. In my mind there was no way that a man who was so close to God ( basically the only person close to me who cared about God), who prayed and went to church and followed all the "rules", could have died in this horrible accident and God just let that happen... no way, there was no God. My dad was taken from me and all this believing, the hard work and the time and the effort he put into God was rewarded with this ??
I turned my back to religion and made sure that everyone around me knew about this. The people who surrounded me in Germany as a teenager and young adult were not religious, the topic did not come up much anymore.
When we moved to Colorado Springs, I was faced with the topic of religion again. Many people around me are close to God, they are believers, they go to church, it is part of their life. Over the past 19 years I have not met a lot of people who are not at all connected to a church. The few people who admitted to me that they are not religious and that they don't go to church made me feel comfortable. I did not have to hide and pretend, because honestly I get looked at differently for not going to church. I always wanted my friends to like me for who I am but some people have certain standards on how they pick their friends, so I tried not to bring the topic up just to fit in. Between Henry and I, religion came up sometimes. He is a true believer but never forced anything on me.
I used to say "oh well, I guess I am just going to go to Hell then, because if there is a decision to be made, I surely have not been a good enough person to go to heaven".
....A lot has changed now. My mind constantly goes to the question "where is Luca now ?", "will I ever see him again?", "do I have to be a believer to see him again?".
I feel that the pressure for me is on. I feel like I have to make a decision because of what happened. I feel that maybe I HAVE TO BELIEVE so I can be with my boy again someday. But really, does anybody really know where Luca is? I am so afraid I will do the wrong thing, do I start going to church ? Should I start reading the bible ? Wouldn't that be fake, a pretend belief ? How can I just turn around and accept that there is a god ? Luca's death gives me an even bigger reason to say " Heck no, there is no way there is a God, he would not have taken Luca, he would not have let Luca do this and just watch, he would have saved him in the hospital, with 100s of people praying, no, there is no God because that would be a cruel God !"
BUT, about a week ago, a brand new thought crossed my mind, and it was a horrible thought: Did God punish me for not believing, for not living life by his rules by taking my boy away from me ?
Did he think " I show her what happens to non-believers ...."
This thought makes my heart hurt and turns my stomach. Could I be responsible for the death of my own
child ? Why did I not realize I have to be a good person so my family stays safe ? Did I not know the true power God has to give life and take life away ?
I don't know enough about religion and the bible to know what is being said in all the books that are out there.
But I have heard the saying a lot in the past "God gives life and he takes life"...was his eye on me all this time and he needed to do this to show his power? That can not be the kind God, the great God, the God all these people look up to and believe in? That would be a high price to pay for me to realize the power of God. Take a life ? Take MY SON'S LIFE to punish me for living a life full of sins ?
I know that I feel very confused and want to do the right thing now, although, in reality, it is actually too late to do the right thing now, nothing will bring Luca back and all I can do now is prepare for the time I will see him again. I REALLY hope we come together again someday, no matter where he is right now, that is all I live for and all I can think about. Heaven or Eternity, Afterlife, Nirvana, or just a Star in the sky, my goal is to find Luca when my time comes !!!
I was 10 when my parents divorced and the church visits stopped altogether. Sundays became fun days, when my father, on his Sunday visits with me, just did fun stuff, he became the cool dad, lunches, road trips, horseback riding... anything I wished for, but not church. I am not sure if that was a relief for me or if I missed it, I don't remember.
When my father died in a car accident when I was 12, my mind was made up.... there was no God. In my mind there was no way that a man who was so close to God ( basically the only person close to me who cared about God), who prayed and went to church and followed all the "rules", could have died in this horrible accident and God just let that happen... no way, there was no God. My dad was taken from me and all this believing, the hard work and the time and the effort he put into God was rewarded with this ??
I turned my back to religion and made sure that everyone around me knew about this. The people who surrounded me in Germany as a teenager and young adult were not religious, the topic did not come up much anymore.
When we moved to Colorado Springs, I was faced with the topic of religion again. Many people around me are close to God, they are believers, they go to church, it is part of their life. Over the past 19 years I have not met a lot of people who are not at all connected to a church. The few people who admitted to me that they are not religious and that they don't go to church made me feel comfortable. I did not have to hide and pretend, because honestly I get looked at differently for not going to church. I always wanted my friends to like me for who I am but some people have certain standards on how they pick their friends, so I tried not to bring the topic up just to fit in. Between Henry and I, religion came up sometimes. He is a true believer but never forced anything on me.
I used to say "oh well, I guess I am just going to go to Hell then, because if there is a decision to be made, I surely have not been a good enough person to go to heaven".
....A lot has changed now. My mind constantly goes to the question "where is Luca now ?", "will I ever see him again?", "do I have to be a believer to see him again?".
I feel that the pressure for me is on. I feel like I have to make a decision because of what happened. I feel that maybe I HAVE TO BELIEVE so I can be with my boy again someday. But really, does anybody really know where Luca is? I am so afraid I will do the wrong thing, do I start going to church ? Should I start reading the bible ? Wouldn't that be fake, a pretend belief ? How can I just turn around and accept that there is a god ? Luca's death gives me an even bigger reason to say " Heck no, there is no way there is a God, he would not have taken Luca, he would not have let Luca do this and just watch, he would have saved him in the hospital, with 100s of people praying, no, there is no God because that would be a cruel God !"
BUT, about a week ago, a brand new thought crossed my mind, and it was a horrible thought: Did God punish me for not believing, for not living life by his rules by taking my boy away from me ?
Did he think " I show her what happens to non-believers ...."
This thought makes my heart hurt and turns my stomach. Could I be responsible for the death of my own
child ? Why did I not realize I have to be a good person so my family stays safe ? Did I not know the true power God has to give life and take life away ?
I don't know enough about religion and the bible to know what is being said in all the books that are out there.
But I have heard the saying a lot in the past "God gives life and he takes life"...was his eye on me all this time and he needed to do this to show his power? That can not be the kind God, the great God, the God all these people look up to and believe in? That would be a high price to pay for me to realize the power of God. Take a life ? Take MY SON'S LIFE to punish me for living a life full of sins ?
I know that I feel very confused and want to do the right thing now, although, in reality, it is actually too late to do the right thing now, nothing will bring Luca back and all I can do now is prepare for the time I will see him again. I REALLY hope we come together again someday, no matter where he is right now, that is all I live for and all I can think about. Heaven or Eternity, Afterlife, Nirvana, or just a Star in the sky, my goal is to find Luca when my time comes !!!
I know many good and faithful servants of God that have lost family memebers and friends. I do not believe that being a 'good' or 'bad' person plays a part in the suffering one experiences when someone dies or why that particular person was taken away. All that happens in our lives is known by God before we are even aware...that we will experience joy and sorrow, love and loss, and appreciation and regret. I believe that when we are in darkness, we think more about and seek out God. It is not necessarily on a religious level, but on a spiritual level. As a quote of someone I forget states, "...going to church does not make you a Christian, anymore than sleeping in the garage makes you a car." Spirituality comes from a different place, and reading the Bible does not make you 'fake'. You would be searching for answers, understanding, peace, and maybe even hope. Hope that you will be reunited with your precious son when the time is right. I know that Catholics and Lutherans have different beliefs on how we make it to heaven, how we are saved. As a Lutheran, I believe that we only are saved by the Grace of God, by believing that our sins are forgiven by Jesus dying for us. I do not believe that we can work our way into heaven by good deeds, but by doing good deeds we show God's love for us to others. Praying and questioning is not fake, for Jesus even prayed and questioned before he was crucified. I pray for peace and strength for you, Petra, because you are my friend. I am convinced that your heart will find the spirituality that is right for you, when the time is right for you.
ReplyDelete"Why would God let innocent children die?" has been an age old question in theology..."why is there disease?" "why are there evil people that murder and steal?" I am sure that I do not know, and that I will not know, but I do know that God is forgiving and always open to listen to our prayers. With love and hugs to you! Shani
My Dear Petra:
ReplyDeleteI struggle with this everyday. I lost my dad when I was young and my family quit going to church as well. I felt the same way. A loving kind God would not have done this to me and my family. It is so hard to wrap your head around the meaning behind all of this. I wish I had the answer for you. I do know that something good always comes from something bad. You have been so pro-active in this situation. As much as it hurts, you are going out of your way to ensure that no one else has to feel the pain that you and your family and friends do. That is an amazing gift you are giving so many! I am thankful for you and all that you have brought to my attention so I can talk to my kids about it. I had no idea!!! Without you and your family, there are many that would not know. I still struggle with the idea of church and am honestly still wavering with how I feel about God. I am trying to find a spot in my heart for God and spirituality. I do know that I pray for you everyday, even though I am unsure where I sit. It is the one thing that I feel I can do for you all. I also post things to my facebook all the time. I also tell everyone I know to talk to their babies. I will continue to do so and hope that I one day find something more that I can do. Sincerely, Jessica Thompson, The mother of Morgan Hartman.