Way back in August....

I was looking for a file on my computer today and came across the speech I had written for Luca's memorial service, I just started reading it again and it was almost like an out of body experience.. I remember standing up there and saying all these things, almost like I was content with the fact of what had happened. Looking back now, I think I was not all there, I think I was floating in a bubble of overwhelming feelings. I know if I had to do this today, stepping up in front of a crowd and reading this following speech, I would break down and crumble like a cookie... I would not make it to the end of these words, no way...
Still, I think it was a nice speech and although it is just a fraction of my thoughts, I want to let everyone read it, maybe some of you were not even at the celebration, and if you were, you might remember this:

Luca, my Luca

Thanks for the unbelievable support that has come our way during this time, we did not know how many caring people we have in our live and in this community. It is amazing.Thanks for all you did, big and small, it is all very much appreciated.

It is hard to try and figure out what to say if you have to choose just a few of the many memories of a lifetime of your child.

I want to let everyone know how big Luca’s role was that he played in my life.

He was my son, of course, but within the family, he was really the heart and soul

- my backbone -  the person I could rely on.

Had a very special bond with the youngest child, the one who needed the most help… for a long time, he was a the big helper for Niko, and then later on he stepped up to be a great positive influence on Francesca. The role model for the siblings and showing them every day how important it is to make the right decisions. Even in everyday situations, he knew just what to do. For example we would eat dinner and one of the little ones did not like kind of food, of course it would be the healthy stuff, and I would give Luca this certain look “help me with this one“  and we had a lot of silent understandings… like a mind reading kind of thing was going on with us a lot… and he would start eating that particular food .. taking big bites with a lot of emphasize on how yum yum this is so good expressions. -  encouraging the little ones into trying it… even if he himself did not like that food either… that is just how he was !!

Things he did not like were chores, of course, but he would not delay, or refuse, he just did them right away to be done with them and move on with his day, also maybe because he knew he most likely would end up finishing his little siblings chores as well, they were always trying to get out of doing theirs, he would take care of that just to make me happy.

He never, and that is true, never said no to me when I asked him a favor.

Having a big heart was one of his trademarks, but huge determination was another characteristic of Luca. To be successful in Sports and in school. The all As last semester was huge for him. He was so proud of himself!! He wanted to play football this Fall, but our schedule was too full, he was looking forward to wrestling in the winter and track in the spring, he always wanted to say yes to every sport out there

He took challenges in trying new things, trying new sports, and if he challenged himself he always wanted to do the best he could when he did it. His dream of being a pro soccer player in Europe was very firm for him, he used to say”mom you need to start thinking about what car you want because I will buy you a car as soon as I make the big bucks playing soccer in Europe"… that was so sweet.

When he got his soccer ref certification this past Spring, he was so nervous doing that job, standing on the soccer field and making those decisions, but he did it and he learned how awesome it is to earn your own money at 12….I was so proud of him…

Compassion and good spirit - that was also a part of him and he would seek out people who were facing challenges themselves, just to assist them. In 5. Grade there was a boy with no friends, and Luca told me he made sure to say hi to him every day and even sometimes sit by him at lunch because no one else would.

The kid that was teased in the locker room at sports, Luca stood by his side even though he took the risk of being made fun of as well. He would cheer in swimming for kids if no one else was there for them at the edge of the pool, his thoughtfulness is one of a kind !!

I was so proud of all this, but I also took him for granted a lot, now, looking back, I know I need to thank him from now on every day for making such a difference and being so special in my life. I want to hug him for that, if I could…

Like a friend wrote in a note to me – he was the one and only LUCA !!!

Moving forward, and I know tomorrow will be harder than today… when all the craziness and attention will go away and people move on with their everyday life,  I know that I won’t have the everyday life as I had it but trying to think of something my sister in law gave me in a book.

The caterpillar builds a cocoon and inside of this cocoon the caterpillars entire structure is taken apart and cell by cell, bit by bit reconstructed into a completely different and new structure.

The butterfly, now a totally new being, comes out of the cocoon, and although through this process should not remember anything, he returns to the place where the cocoon is hanging and reflects on his former life as a caterpillar.

The death of Luca to me is just like that.

He morphed from his being that we all know and love into a completely different being, was reconstructed and is now near me …remembering the great things that happened to him during his life with all of us.

Although he is completely reconstructed, his being, his soul and spirit is still the same. And he is close to me… and will be ....always.

 People who know me well probably know that I always wear a necklace with all my kids on it, but not today – my sister in law gave me this necklace as a symbol matching the story of the butterfly.. this is a heart and a butterfly is sitting on it… Luca and me !!

 

I want to quote Goethe, a German Poet –

What you posses deep in your heart

Won’t be lost through Death.

Luca I love you !!!

Thanks for coming tonight !!

6 months today and Valentines pain

I can not really believe that my boy is not with us anymore and it has been 6 months, half a year that he has not been with us anymore.
I am afraid of time passing, I wanted time to stop last August, so all stays fresh on my mind, the way his soft hand felt in mine, the way I felt his beautiful fine curly hair between my fingers, the way his eyelashes curved, I was looking at his closed eyes in the hospital for so long, waiting for a flicker, and once in a while I would lift his eye lids to see those light brown greenish eyes, they were just staring straight up into the ceiling. I wanted him to look at me, turn his eyes and form that great smile that always made me smile right with him. "Hey Mom:".. like he said every morning in passing.
He would go down stairs and make that oatmeal he liked, gather his school stuff and then get his teeth brushed. I would give suggestions on what to wear (warm, cold, matching clothes - yes I am a bit controlling..), while trying to get the siblings going.
He would gripe over getting late to school because they were so slow, and I usually got him there just in the nick of time, or a few minutes late. He hated to be late, he would get so mad and told me it was all my fault...I felt bad but contributed that situation to the fact that we have 4 kids... and told myself that is the best I can do... was not really the best I can do, I think I could have done better and gotten him to school on time more often....
After school a lot of times Adrienne would pick him up, he enjoyed hanging with the big sister, even if it was just for a ride home from school. Walking in the door, he would start homework right away, have a snack and just get all the stuff done for school without anyone even asking him. I think he started that when he went to 4th grade in School in the Woods, they had a lot of writing assignments and he found out if he was procrastinating, it never got done on time. We usually had to rush and either get ready for soccer or swimming. He never said "I don't want to go to practice" it was just a routine and he liked to get out there to train, I know that.
One of his favorite foods were egg sandwiches, he would chow down 2 at a time, just as a snack. Yes, 2 sandwich slices on top of each other, with mustard (only him and I loved that mustard) fried egg, meat and melted cheese, then the same double decker again... you would think he would have been a bigger kid the way he ate. I miss having him at the dinner table he was such a great eater, and so appreciative of the food I made. I don't enjoy cooking much anymore... that desire and passion has left my system, just like so many other passions I used to have.
Sometimes I would watch one of those independent movies at night, on a weekend, and he would hang out with me, it was the best time.... no one else was interested, they thought I had weird taste but Luca was open for the weird taste and we would enjoy that time together. One time I watched this movie "My name is Khan" from the library, and he joined me. The movie is about a Muslim from India with Asperger Syndrom and his journey in America. The movie is very sad and very long, and Luca and I cried together from about the middle of it until the very end. He was as involved in the story as I was and it was a good evening for us together. I will never forget this, this and all the small bonding moments we had, traveling for soccer, spending time in hotels for swim meets, just the two of us, I know he had a good time when he was the "only kid" for a little while. He loved his siblings but one on one time is important too. Yes, I want time to stop and remember every little moment in the past with him, now, 6 months later, all is fading and I have the worst fear in the world - forgetting the little details of him and his life._____________________

I found myself in a tree, crying on Valentines day....I had a total mental breakdown. During some down time in the afternoon, I decided it would be nice to send some Valentines greetings to Luca with balloons. I ran to the store to buy some and we (Adrienne, Niko, Francesca and I) wrote little note cards to tie on to the balloons. From the store going home the first balloon already popped in the car... I was angry. With only 2 balloons left, we tied the cards to them and let go of them in the back yard, only to watch them get stuck in the group of trees in the back of our yard. I was getting angrier. Now I had to try to get them out of the tree... not a tree I can climb, it was skinny and tall... I climbed on our only ladder, an old wooden thing, took the big broom from the garage and tried to fish for the balloons. No luck..now I was boiling mad. I lost my balance several times and although it was scary to think I can fall and break something, I did not care.. my adrenaline was kicking in..... then I climbed on the back wall of the yard and tried from there ... meanwhile the strong wind wrapped the strings around the tree more and more... I was not going to give up... "just get more balloons from the store" Adrienne called over to me...
I now was in tears "no, these valentine cards for Luca are not going to stay in this tree.." I yelled and cried by that time uncontrollably, just sobbing and pulling on those branches... I was determined to get those balloons out of the tree... I cried over that situation, but not really... I cried about everything... why was I in this tree? Why not give him cards into his hands? Why did we send balloons in the air when he should be here with us in the first place? Why was life so horrible to us? Why was my son dead?
I finally just broke off all the branches that held the balloons, one more balloon popped and I pulled the cards out... went back to the store, got more balloons and we finally released them in the field nearby...what a frustrating afternoon....
I realize more and more how my passion for life is just gone... nothing can excite or engage me anymore...I can pretend to have an interest, just for the kids, they are all that keeps me going... and sadly, my main focus for them is to remember their brother, it is like I want to talk about nothing and no one else, because I am so afraid they forget about him. Did they really want to send Valentines to him on the 14. ? Maybe not, I know in the past they did not give Valentines to each other ..... now they are writing him notes, maybe because I kind of force them to ? I am not sure how unhealthy or healthy this is for the kids, will they think he is the only child I have who matters ? I am not sure, I know I have to be careful not to show my obsession with Luca to them too much... it is hard to find a balance when only one person sits on the teeter-toter......

Pain and Categories

Time is going by fast, and yet, it has stopped since August 13. for me.
Everyone around me moves on with their lives, their kids, their daily
tasks, and I feel that I am walking in place, like going the wrong way on an escalator. I step and step but feel I am not going anywhere.
As I move through my days, some are busier than others and my mind is full of planning, focusing on what is going on that day and the next, and I catch myself being 'too busy to be sad".
Then..boom... here comes the realization all of a sudden out of nowhere.. and it literally is gut wrenching... like someone is wringing out my heart and stomach... physically painful.
Luca is gone, he is wiped of the face of the earth and I will never see him again.
That is reality and it is every time I think that thought evenly unbelievable for me.
I still don't understand what is going on here, can this really be true ?
My mind just can not wrap itself around this.
Yesterday I drove down the street in our neighborhood on my way home. And believe it or not, I looked at our front door when I drove up and it looked like someone was standing there... oh my gosh it is Luca.... that is what I thought... am I going crazy ? It was just one of our chairs on the front porch that was sitting a bit sideways.... then I feel like I am standing right next to myself, looking at me and going - really ? Do you still not get it ?
It is hard to say what time will change inside of me... but as I said, it has stopped and everyone, even my own kids are moving on, at least on the outside. They are growing out of their clothes and shoes, their hair is changing, they are getting better at their sports, all the things that time does to people. I just feel the same since August 13.
I wonder if I need to meet with other people who have lost children, to see if they feel just like me, but here we go right into my next topic... categories....

I have become a member of different categories that I never wanted to belong to.

• I am a person who lost a loved one
• I am a mother who lost a child
• I am a mother who lost a child to TCG - there is even a facebook group for that one.
• I am taking my children to a kids grief group, where other children have lost a loved one, and the parents sit together and talk about how to best support these children.
• I am going to grief therapy once per week.
• I am one of the people who step into a social setting and others say.. "she lost her son last year" and people go "that is so sad" - I can not hear that but I can feel the looks of pity and compassion on me, and then I want to leave that situation.
• I am now in the category of people who take anti-depressants to get out of bed in the morning. - I only knew these people from commercials until now
• I am in the category of people who go on a crusade for a cause, because of something that happened to them in their lives
• I am in the category of people who have a website, to warn others of a terrible thing, because I have experienced it
• I became a speaker - that is something I never thought would happen 
• I am in the category of people who are well taken care of by others because of special circumstances.

People don't really get mad at me anymore when I screw up, it is like I have this "get out of jail" card now.

I am not sure if that helps but it is a smooth sailing for me - on the outside...

It is nice that everyone is so nice to me, but I would also like to have true friends and people who are genuine about their interest in me, not feeling that they have the duty to take care of me, like a sick elderly person...

How do I know who really likes me for me and not just feels the call to help because of what happened to me ?

But again, like I said in a previous post, I am thankful for the friendships, the people who take care of me, the love and compassion that is coming to us from all directions, so please don't get me wrong, I am not complaining, I just wish there was no reason to do all this for us in the first place.