Way back in August....

I was looking for a file on my computer today and came across the speech I had written for Luca's memorial service, I just started reading it again and it was almost like an out of body experience.. I remember standing up there and saying all these things, almost like I was content with the fact of what had happened. Looking back now, I think I was not all there, I think I was floating in a bubble of overwhelming feelings. I know if I had to do this today, stepping up in front of a crowd and reading this following speech, I would break down and crumble like a cookie... I would not make it to the end of these words, no way...
Still, I think it was a nice speech and although it is just a fraction of my thoughts, I want to let everyone read it, maybe some of you were not even at the celebration, and if you were, you might remember this:

Luca, my Luca

Thanks for the unbelievable support that has come our way during this time, we did not know how many caring people we have in our live and in this community. It is amazing.Thanks for all you did, big and small, it is all very much appreciated.

It is hard to try and figure out what to say if you have to choose just a few of the many memories of a lifetime of your child.

I want to let everyone know how big Luca’s role was that he played in my life.

He was my son, of course, but within the family, he was really the heart and soul

- my backbone -  the person I could rely on.

Had a very special bond with the youngest child, the one who needed the most help… for a long time, he was a the big helper for Niko, and then later on he stepped up to be a great positive influence on Francesca. The role model for the siblings and showing them every day how important it is to make the right decisions. Even in everyday situations, he knew just what to do. For example we would eat dinner and one of the little ones did not like kind of food, of course it would be the healthy stuff, and I would give Luca this certain look “help me with this one“  and we had a lot of silent understandings… like a mind reading kind of thing was going on with us a lot… and he would start eating that particular food .. taking big bites with a lot of emphasize on how yum yum this is so good expressions. -  encouraging the little ones into trying it… even if he himself did not like that food either… that is just how he was !!

Things he did not like were chores, of course, but he would not delay, or refuse, he just did them right away to be done with them and move on with his day, also maybe because he knew he most likely would end up finishing his little siblings chores as well, they were always trying to get out of doing theirs, he would take care of that just to make me happy.

He never, and that is true, never said no to me when I asked him a favor.

Having a big heart was one of his trademarks, but huge determination was another characteristic of Luca. To be successful in Sports and in school. The all As last semester was huge for him. He was so proud of himself!! He wanted to play football this Fall, but our schedule was too full, he was looking forward to wrestling in the winter and track in the spring, he always wanted to say yes to every sport out there

He took challenges in trying new things, trying new sports, and if he challenged himself he always wanted to do the best he could when he did it. His dream of being a pro soccer player in Europe was very firm for him, he used to say”mom you need to start thinking about what car you want because I will buy you a car as soon as I make the big bucks playing soccer in Europe"… that was so sweet.

When he got his soccer ref certification this past Spring, he was so nervous doing that job, standing on the soccer field and making those decisions, but he did it and he learned how awesome it is to earn your own money at 12….I was so proud of him…

Compassion and good spirit - that was also a part of him and he would seek out people who were facing challenges themselves, just to assist them. In 5. Grade there was a boy with no friends, and Luca told me he made sure to say hi to him every day and even sometimes sit by him at lunch because no one else would.

The kid that was teased in the locker room at sports, Luca stood by his side even though he took the risk of being made fun of as well. He would cheer in swimming for kids if no one else was there for them at the edge of the pool, his thoughtfulness is one of a kind !!

I was so proud of all this, but I also took him for granted a lot, now, looking back, I know I need to thank him from now on every day for making such a difference and being so special in my life. I want to hug him for that, if I could…

Like a friend wrote in a note to me – he was the one and only LUCA !!!

Moving forward, and I know tomorrow will be harder than today… when all the craziness and attention will go away and people move on with their everyday life,  I know that I won’t have the everyday life as I had it but trying to think of something my sister in law gave me in a book.

The caterpillar builds a cocoon and inside of this cocoon the caterpillars entire structure is taken apart and cell by cell, bit by bit reconstructed into a completely different and new structure.

The butterfly, now a totally new being, comes out of the cocoon, and although through this process should not remember anything, he returns to the place where the cocoon is hanging and reflects on his former life as a caterpillar.

The death of Luca to me is just like that.

He morphed from his being that we all know and love into a completely different being, was reconstructed and is now near me …remembering the great things that happened to him during his life with all of us.

Although he is completely reconstructed, his being, his soul and spirit is still the same. And he is close to me… and will be ....always.

 People who know me well probably know that I always wear a necklace with all my kids on it, but not today – my sister in law gave me this necklace as a symbol matching the story of the butterfly.. this is a heart and a butterfly is sitting on it… Luca and me !!

 

I want to quote Goethe, a German Poet –

What you posses deep in your heart

Won’t be lost through Death.

Luca I love you !!!

Thanks for coming tonight !!