I can not really believe that my boy is not with us anymore and it has been 6 months, half a year that he has not been with us anymore.
I am afraid of time passing, I wanted time to stop last August, so all stays fresh on my mind, the way his soft hand felt in mine, the way I felt his beautiful fine curly hair between my fingers, the way his eyelashes curved, I was looking at his closed eyes in the hospital for so long, waiting for a flicker, and once in a while I would lift his eye lids to see those light brown greenish eyes, they were just staring straight up into the ceiling. I wanted him to look at me, turn his eyes and form that great smile that always made me smile right with him. "Hey Mom:".. like he said every morning in passing.
He would go down stairs and make that oatmeal he liked, gather his school stuff and then get his teeth brushed. I would give suggestions on what to wear (warm, cold, matching clothes - yes I am a bit controlling..), while trying to get the siblings going.
He would gripe over getting late to school because they were so slow, and I usually got him there just in the nick of time, or a few minutes late. He hated to be late, he would get so mad and told me it was all my fault...I felt bad but contributed that situation to the fact that we have 4 kids... and told myself that is the best I can do... was not really the best I can do, I think I could have done better and gotten him to school on time more often....
After school a lot of times Adrienne would pick him up, he enjoyed hanging with the big sister, even if it was just for a ride home from school. Walking in the door, he would start homework right away, have a snack and just get all the stuff done for school without anyone even asking him. I think he started that when he went to 4th grade in School in the Woods, they had a lot of writing assignments and he found out if he was procrastinating, it never got done on time. We usually had to rush and either get ready for soccer or swimming. He never said "I don't want to go to practice" it was just a routine and he liked to get out there to train, I know that.
One of his favorite foods were egg sandwiches, he would chow down 2 at a time, just as a snack. Yes, 2 sandwich slices on top of each other, with mustard (only him and I loved that mustard) fried egg, meat and melted cheese, then the same double decker again... you would think he would have been a bigger kid the way he ate. I miss having him at the dinner table he was such a great eater, and so appreciative of the food I made. I don't enjoy cooking much anymore... that desire and passion has left my system, just like so many other passions I used to have.
Sometimes I would watch one of those independent movies at night, on a weekend, and he would hang out with me, it was the best time.... no one else was interested, they thought I had weird taste but Luca was open for the weird taste and we would enjoy that time together. One time I watched this movie "My name is Khan" from the library, and he joined me. The movie is about a Muslim from India with Asperger Syndrom and his journey in America. The movie is very sad and very long, and Luca and I cried together from about the middle of it until the very end. He was as involved in the story as I was and it was a good evening for us together. I will never forget this, this and all the small bonding moments we had, traveling for soccer, spending time in hotels for swim meets, just the two of us, I know he had a good time when he was the "only kid" for a little while. He loved his siblings but one on one time is important too. Yes, I want time to stop and remember every little moment in the past with him, now, 6 months later, all is fading and I have the worst fear in the world - forgetting the little details of him and his life._____________________
I found myself in a tree, crying on Valentines day....I had a total mental breakdown. During some down time in the afternoon, I decided it would be nice to send some Valentines greetings to Luca with balloons. I ran to the store to buy some and we (Adrienne, Niko, Francesca and I) wrote little note cards to tie on to the balloons. From the store going home the first balloon already popped in the car... I was angry. With only 2 balloons left, we tied the cards to them and let go of them in the back yard, only to watch them get stuck in the group of trees in the back of our yard. I was getting angrier. Now I had to try to get them out of the tree... not a tree I can climb, it was skinny and tall... I climbed on our only ladder, an old wooden thing, took the big broom from the garage and tried to fish for the balloons. No luck..now I was boiling mad. I lost my balance several times and although it was scary to think I can fall and break something, I did not care.. my adrenaline was kicking in..... then I climbed on the back wall of the yard and tried from there ... meanwhile the strong wind wrapped the strings around the tree more and more... I was not going to give up... "just get more balloons from the store" Adrienne called over to me...
I now was in tears "no, these valentine cards for Luca are not going to stay in this tree.." I yelled and cried by that time uncontrollably, just sobbing and pulling on those branches... I was determined to get those balloons out of the tree... I cried over that situation, but not really... I cried about everything... why was I in this tree? Why not give him cards into his hands? Why did we send balloons in the air when he should be here with us in the first place? Why was life so horrible to us? Why was my son dead?
I finally just broke off all the branches that held the balloons, one more balloon popped and I pulled the cards out... went back to the store, got more balloons and we finally released them in the field nearby...what a frustrating afternoon....
I realize more and more how my passion for life is just gone... nothing can excite or engage me anymore...I can pretend to have an interest, just for the kids, they are all that keeps me going... and sadly, my main focus for them is to remember their brother, it is like I want to talk about nothing and no one else, because I am so afraid they forget about him. Did they really want to send Valentines to him on the 14. ? Maybe not, I know in the past they did not give Valentines to each other ..... now they are writing him notes, maybe because I kind of force them to ? I am not sure how unhealthy or healthy this is for the kids, will they think he is the only child I have who matters ? I am not sure, I know I have to be careful not to show my obsession with Luca to them too much... it is hard to find a balance when only one person sits on the teeter-toter......
I am afraid of time passing, I wanted time to stop last August, so all stays fresh on my mind, the way his soft hand felt in mine, the way I felt his beautiful fine curly hair between my fingers, the way his eyelashes curved, I was looking at his closed eyes in the hospital for so long, waiting for a flicker, and once in a while I would lift his eye lids to see those light brown greenish eyes, they were just staring straight up into the ceiling. I wanted him to look at me, turn his eyes and form that great smile that always made me smile right with him. "Hey Mom:".. like he said every morning in passing.
He would go down stairs and make that oatmeal he liked, gather his school stuff and then get his teeth brushed. I would give suggestions on what to wear (warm, cold, matching clothes - yes I am a bit controlling..), while trying to get the siblings going.
He would gripe over getting late to school because they were so slow, and I usually got him there just in the nick of time, or a few minutes late. He hated to be late, he would get so mad and told me it was all my fault...I felt bad but contributed that situation to the fact that we have 4 kids... and told myself that is the best I can do... was not really the best I can do, I think I could have done better and gotten him to school on time more often....
After school a lot of times Adrienne would pick him up, he enjoyed hanging with the big sister, even if it was just for a ride home from school. Walking in the door, he would start homework right away, have a snack and just get all the stuff done for school without anyone even asking him. I think he started that when he went to 4th grade in School in the Woods, they had a lot of writing assignments and he found out if he was procrastinating, it never got done on time. We usually had to rush and either get ready for soccer or swimming. He never said "I don't want to go to practice" it was just a routine and he liked to get out there to train, I know that.
One of his favorite foods were egg sandwiches, he would chow down 2 at a time, just as a snack. Yes, 2 sandwich slices on top of each other, with mustard (only him and I loved that mustard) fried egg, meat and melted cheese, then the same double decker again... you would think he would have been a bigger kid the way he ate. I miss having him at the dinner table he was such a great eater, and so appreciative of the food I made. I don't enjoy cooking much anymore... that desire and passion has left my system, just like so many other passions I used to have.
Sometimes I would watch one of those independent movies at night, on a weekend, and he would hang out with me, it was the best time.... no one else was interested, they thought I had weird taste but Luca was open for the weird taste and we would enjoy that time together. One time I watched this movie "My name is Khan" from the library, and he joined me. The movie is about a Muslim from India with Asperger Syndrom and his journey in America. The movie is very sad and very long, and Luca and I cried together from about the middle of it until the very end. He was as involved in the story as I was and it was a good evening for us together. I will never forget this, this and all the small bonding moments we had, traveling for soccer, spending time in hotels for swim meets, just the two of us, I know he had a good time when he was the "only kid" for a little while. He loved his siblings but one on one time is important too. Yes, I want time to stop and remember every little moment in the past with him, now, 6 months later, all is fading and I have the worst fear in the world - forgetting the little details of him and his life._____________________
I found myself in a tree, crying on Valentines day....I had a total mental breakdown. During some down time in the afternoon, I decided it would be nice to send some Valentines greetings to Luca with balloons. I ran to the store to buy some and we (Adrienne, Niko, Francesca and I) wrote little note cards to tie on to the balloons. From the store going home the first balloon already popped in the car... I was angry. With only 2 balloons left, we tied the cards to them and let go of them in the back yard, only to watch them get stuck in the group of trees in the back of our yard. I was getting angrier. Now I had to try to get them out of the tree... not a tree I can climb, it was skinny and tall... I climbed on our only ladder, an old wooden thing, took the big broom from the garage and tried to fish for the balloons. No luck..now I was boiling mad. I lost my balance several times and although it was scary to think I can fall and break something, I did not care.. my adrenaline was kicking in..... then I climbed on the back wall of the yard and tried from there ... meanwhile the strong wind wrapped the strings around the tree more and more... I was not going to give up... "just get more balloons from the store" Adrienne called over to me...
I now was in tears "no, these valentine cards for Luca are not going to stay in this tree.." I yelled and cried by that time uncontrollably, just sobbing and pulling on those branches... I was determined to get those balloons out of the tree... I cried over that situation, but not really... I cried about everything... why was I in this tree? Why not give him cards into his hands? Why did we send balloons in the air when he should be here with us in the first place? Why was life so horrible to us? Why was my son dead?
I finally just broke off all the branches that held the balloons, one more balloon popped and I pulled the cards out... went back to the store, got more balloons and we finally released them in the field nearby...what a frustrating afternoon....
I realize more and more how my passion for life is just gone... nothing can excite or engage me anymore...I can pretend to have an interest, just for the kids, they are all that keeps me going... and sadly, my main focus for them is to remember their brother, it is like I want to talk about nothing and no one else, because I am so afraid they forget about him. Did they really want to send Valentines to him on the 14. ? Maybe not, I know in the past they did not give Valentines to each other ..... now they are writing him notes, maybe because I kind of force them to ? I am not sure how unhealthy or healthy this is for the kids, will they think he is the only child I have who matters ? I am not sure, I know I have to be careful not to show my obsession with Luca to them too much... it is hard to find a balance when only one person sits on the teeter-toter......
I can picture this WHOLE EVENT HAPPENING! You write it so clearly! And I want you to know that grief doesn't have a right/wrong pattern. It is what it is and trust your momma gut. Did they complain? No. They want you to continue their connection!
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