Hope

For Christmas this year, an amazing group of moms from our school gave us a gift basket filled with goodies of all kinds. Gifts for the kids, food, gift cards and an ornament.
The ornament is real pretty and made from glass. The writing on the ornament says "Hope". That made me think.
What is hope all about ? I came to the conclusion that there are lots of different levels of hope. After going into my own feelings, searching for the meaning of the word hope for me, I thought, oh no, I have not had real hope in a long time.... really what I was looking for is that huge, big, tremendous feeling of hope that is now missing from my life. The last time I had the real big strong feeling of hope was in the hospital when I was sitting next to my boy, holding his hand day after day, sleeping by his feet because all the tubes and machines did not leave me room by his side, rubbing his swollen feet and legs, that is when I had real hope, hope that he would wake up, hope that he would make it through, hope that the doctors would find a small part of his brain still working, that small part that can make up for the parts that were dead, anything, any movement, any good news, a breath on his own, a flicker of the eye, an ever so slight twitch of his finger... I would have taken anything, that was my hope. The hope vanished as the faces of the nurses and doctors did not change from the somber looks they were giving us. Looks that spoke of sadness and sorrow, looks that showed compassion, grief, and helplessness at the situation we were in.
Now, the big huge heart lifting feeling of hope is not ever coming to me again.
There are medium sized feelings of hope... let's hope the kids like the winter getaway, hope that we have some laughs together, hope that there will be few arguments and hope for lots of harmony.
Then there is the little feeling of hope, the everyday feeling of hope. I hope the kids remember to put their coats on at recess, I hope that the weather is nice for our hike. I hope that I have a good day at work today...
Then there are the constant hopes, the ones that never go away. I hope no one in my family will get hurt today. That no one has a sad day, that everyone comes home in one piece. Those are always there and never go anywhere...
So hope is all around us, in different sizes and different measures....Just in my heart, the big hope is gone... the hope for a family of 6 living happily ever after.....
There is however, one feeling of hope that I always have in my heart, it is constant and strong, the hope that my Luca is in a good place, the hope that he is feeling well and the hope that he can hear me when I talk to him every day, that he knows how much we love and miss him, and the regrets I have of not telling him every day how much I love and cherish him, and also the hope that he is healed and happy !!!